We Are Broken

2010-07-14T03:25:00.002+08:00

I hope you'd know how much I cherish every single second I spend with you in my life. Every moment does not go unremembered. Every hug is fully embraced. Every gesture you make is signed off with "I Love You". I could not ask for a better a friend.

History is repeating

2010-05-18T02:56:00.002+08:00

The signs are clear. The past has caught up with me. History is repeating itself and I'm caught in the middle. Why does it have to happen now? I promised myself I wouldn't think about it yet I cried about it because it hurt me whenever I though about it.

One day we were so close. Before I knew it, things had changed and I was back to square one. I didn't want it to end. I became stubborn and persistent. I couldn't prevent the inevitable. It had to happen regardless. I was too late. Too slow. Too selfish. The opportunity was there. But so were the consequences. I blew my chance.

I couldn't watch it occurring. I turned away. But yet I could feel it happening. I put on a facade to hide how I was really feeling. I didn't want to worry you. You deserved more than what I could have provided.

I had to rant this out. If I kept this to myself any longer, I would have just broken down on the spot.

I don't want to lose you. Not now. Not ever. I don't want to lie anymore. I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss the warmth you gave me. I miss how we were. Please don't fade away, especially when I need you the most. Right now.

Even when its dark before the dawn, I feel your grace and carry on. When I needed a place to hang my heart, you were there to wear it from the start. And with every breath in me, you'll be the only light I see.

This heart, it beats for only you. My heart. My heart is yours.

Brighter

2010-02-24T11:01:00.001+08:00

So this is how it goes
Well I, I would have never known
And if it ends today
Well, I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

Well this is not your fault
But if I'm without you
Then I will feel so small
And if you have to go
Always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

If you run away now,
Will you come back around?
And if you ran away,
I'd still wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright.

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

And I'll wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright
(You shine bright, you shine bright)
And I'll wave goodbye tonight.

Brighter - Paramore

Meanings...

2009-10-23T00:48:00.003+08:00

What is the true meaning of friendship? Love? Whats the point of having them when each of us, as an individual never really found out the underlying point of having them, or how they are forged, and kept sharpened, and placed back into its sheath.

Friendship
Friendship is not dependent on how long one has known the other. Neither is it dependent on how much similarity you have with the other.
You are not a better friend simply just because you know how your friend got every single one of his/her scars, or every single crack in the wall lining of your friend's house.
Friendship is dependent on how much you are willing to make that friendship last. Spending every single day with your friend won't give you a 99.99% possibility of having that friendship. Nor does having fun with your friend ensure it.
All it takes is one mistake to throw years, months, weeks, days of friendship down the drain.
This mistake can be from saying something that would have otherwise offended your friend, to one of either party not keeping communication with the other. In other words, "can't be bothered". One does not simply not talk to the other party at all for days, weeks etc. and then expect the latter to always start conversations or organize little gatherings that would have otherwise mean the world to them, spending one day with their long lost friend, who "couldn't be bothered".
As a result, friendship is all about keeping communication with each other. You can't expect the other party to keep in touch by calling you every day, messaging you via MSN, poking you on Facebook etc. when one fails to do back the same.

Friendship is never a one-way relationship.

Love
Can one love without caring? Can one care without love?
Do the math and go figure.
Love is not judged. You can love anyone. But everyone has the right to say no. A decision that the other party must respect. Never ever force the other party to love you back, because thats just courting death.

Loving someone shows that you care for that someone.
But caring for someone shows that you love that someone.

Brick by Boring Brick

2009-09-30T02:31:00.002+08:00

Brick by Boring Brick - Paramore
Brand New Eyes

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of the world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angels were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies

Keep your feet on the ground
When your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba da ba

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure, to build your house brick by boring brick
Or the wolves gonna blow it down

With her feet on the ground
And her head in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
We'll bury the castle, bury the castle

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba da ba...

Ignorance

2009-08-13T23:10:00.004+08:00

Paramore's Latest music video of their new single, Ignorance as featured on MTV on Thursday 13th August 2009.

Paramore - New Music - More Music Videos

Ignorance - Paramore
Brand New Eyes

If I'm a bad person, you don't like me
Well, I guess I'll make my own way
It's a circle, a mean cycle
I can't excite you anymore
Where's your gavel? Your jury?
What's my offense this time?
You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me
Well sentence me to another life.

Don't wanna hear your sad songs
I don't wanna feel your pain
When you swear it's all my fault
Cause you know we're not the same
No, we're not the same
No, well, we're not the same
We're the friends who stuck together,
We wrote our names in blood,
But I guess you can't accept that the change is good
It's good, it's good

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go,
I best be on my way out

You treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go,
I best be on my way out

Ignorance is your new best friend,
Ignorance is your new best friend

This is the best thing that could've happened;
Any longer and I wouldn't have made it
It's not a war, no, it's not a rapture
I'm just a person, but you can't take it
The same tricks that, that once fooled me
They won't get you anywhere
I'm not the same kid from your memory
Well, now I can fend for myself

Don't wanna hear your sad songs
I don't wanna feel your pain
When you swear it's all my fault
Cause you know we're not the same
No, we're not the same
No, well, we're not the same
Yeah, we used to stick together,
We wrote our names in blood,
But I guess you can't accept that the change is good
It's good, it's good

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
Well, I guess I'll go,
I best be on my way out

You treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
Well,I guess I'll go,
I best be on my way out

Ignorance is your new best friend,
Ignorance is your new best friend.
Ignorance is your new best friend,
Ignorance is your new best friend.

Well, you treat me just like another stranger
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
Well, I guess I'll go
I best be on my way out

Ypu treat me just like another stranger,
Well, it's nice to meet you, sir
I guess I'll go,
I best be on my way out

Swim In Silence

2009-06-22T02:26:00.001+08:00

Meet me here beneath the burning skies
Where the ocean comes and takes us from all of our
lives
You never Said that you were coming back
I have waited although I have found the place you hide
What keeps you so far away?

We can swim in silence
You can pull me under
I Will not come up for anyone
I could slowly sink in
Watch you as you live by
I Will drown untill you care
(I'll drown untill you care)

I imagine what it must be like
To have everything you need and not be satisfied (be
satisfied)
Run the water until it burns
And you can't see through the waves that crash into
your pride
What keeps you so far away?

We can swim in silence
You can pull me under
I will not come up for anyone
I can slowly sink in
Watch you as you live by
I will drown untill you care

Going under
Going under

Getting close
To what we cannot recognize
Floating face down in the lies
Here we are without a trace
Of the lives we used to blame
You're so far away
What keeps you so far away?

We can swim in silence
You can pull me under
I Will not come up for anyone
I could slowly sink in
Watch you as you live by
I Will drown untill you care

We can swim in silence
You can pull me under
I Will not come up for anyone
We can swim in silence
You can pull me under
I Will not come up for anyone
Yeah

I Will drown untill you care

Paramore - Swim In Silence

Stop playing with me

2009-06-09T00:28:00.002+08:00

Stop it already. Enough of your crying and childishness. I've had enough of you playing me like a toy.
Stop sucking up to me. Its not working. This facade of yours hidden behind your actions. I know what you're up to and trust me, it ain't gonna work.
I've moved on. I wish you would too.

Let This Go

2009-05-18T22:53:00.001+08:00

Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won't hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone

Please don't get me wrong

Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

One day you'll get sick of
Saying that everything's alright
And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending
Just like I am tonight

Please don't get me wrong

Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

Let this go, let this go

But I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I fell like I don't know you

And I'll never let this go
I can't find the words to tell you
That now I feel like I don't know you

Let This Go by Paramore

Lenten Vigil

2009-04-09T22:30:00.000+08:00

As we gather together in prayer and reflection, let us recall the night leading to Christ’ crucifixion from those who were present.

You are the Son of God, born of the Virgin Mary. Yet, all these did not matter when you removed your outer garment, tied the towel around your waist and went on your knees to wash our feet. The feet of your disciples. With a simple gesture, you taught us to be humble. You showed us how to remove ourselves from the pedestals that we place ourselves upon, and instead serve those around us. Teacher, Lord, Master… Here I am, guide me, teach me, lead me, hold me on my journey to eternal life.

On this very night, Judas put a price on your life. Am I guilty of putting a price tag on everything I own… my family, my friends, my time? Has money, consumerism and greed blinded me from seeing the gifts you have given me? Do I not realize that your love for me is priceless?

The soldiers whipped you, they mocked you, they shamed you. Are we culpable to such acts in our everyday life? Do we tease or bully those who seem weaker than us? How often do we make somebody’s life miserable through our words and actions, and yet derive entertainment from it.

As you were arrested, as you carried the cross, as you hung on the cross… there were onlookers everywhere. Yet, no one choose to act. Do we not stand up to the injustice taking place around us? Do we turn a blind eye to someone in need? Are we so full of ourselves that the needs of others are of no concern?

When Judas kissed your cheek, he did it not out of love but out of spite and greed. How often do we do something and mean another? The hypocrisy, the lies, the fallacies… are these your teachings? We adore you O Christ, for being true and honest. You did everything for our good, even to the extent of giving up your life.

How often do we kneel in silence and spend time with God before our bedtime? Do we give in to sleep without thanking him for blessing us with another day? Do we repeat the mistakes committed Peter and the 2 sons of Zebedee out side the Garden of Gethsemane? Do we find it that difficult to spend time with you?

On this night, as we come from all over to join you in prayer. We pray that you soothe the hurt, give answers to the confused, light a way for the lost and embrace the faithful. Let this be the night that we find the courage to return to you…to make a change… to start all over again.

Am I guilty of putting a price tag on everything I own… my family, my friends, my time? Has money, consumerism and greed blinded me from seeing the gifts you have given me? Do I not realize that your love for me is priceless?

I'm Sorry

2009-04-01T23:05:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry, I never wanted this to happen.
Right now I wish I didn't act the way I did.
Which made you piss at me.
Because of that stupid move I made,
You started talking less to me.
You started ignoring me, avoiding me.
I hang my head in shame.
I hate myself for doing that.
I'm sorry.
Please don't be like this anymore.
I don't want to lose you, not when you're a big part of my life.
Not when we've been such good buddies.
I'm sorry. Please forgive me.
Don't hate me anymore.
I don't want this to go on.
Everything got so quiet. I felt lonely.

Broken

2009-03-18T01:08:00.002+08:00

Maybe it can't be true.
Maybe its all an illusion.
Maybe I'm the illusion.

I have to stop having this mindset.
Its not healthy for me.
I want it to change.
I don't want it to be like this.

What is your True Fear?

2009-03-10T21:52:00.000+08:00

What is your True Fear? Your Result: Being Alone While you may act like you don't care on the outside, on the inside your biggest fear is being alone. You can be quite shy and reserved. You feel like a lot of times people don't really see the real you. You're afraid that no one will really truly love you, and that you will be alone for the rest of your life. On the inside you are great person, so just remember that and don't let your shy nature get the best of you! If you don't want to be a lone then you need to make an effort to be with someone. Show the people that you care about that you really love them, and chances are someone will always be there, even if you think they won't.
Losing Someone
Disappointment
Looked down on
Commitment
Where Your life is Going
Death
What is your True Fear? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Love

2009-02-13T02:42:00.002+08:00

Love

I don't want to be blind,
if not I'll never be able to see your face again.

I don't want to be deaf,
if not I'll never be able to hear your voice again.

I don't want to be mute,
if not I'll never be able to console you whenever you're feeling down.

I don't want to have no arms,
if not I'll never be able to carry you whenever you've fallen down.

I don't want to have no hands,
if not I'll never be able to hold your hand.

I don't want to have no feet,
if not I'll never be able to walk alongside with you.

I don't want to have no heart,
if not I'll never be able to love you.

Love

I feel like breaking down

2009-02-09T06:29:00.002+08:00

The thought hurts,
the truth hurts.
You don't treat me the way you treated me before.
I feel like breaking down.
Every time I think about it,
a tear is shed,
it rolls down my cheek.
I wish I could look in your eyes,
to tell you how much I miss you.
How much I miss the old you.

How?

2009-02-05T15:51:00.001+08:00

How did it come to this?
You never doubted me.
But what happened?
You talk to me as if you didn't want to at all now.
I feel so left out.

My Heart

2009-01-14T00:00:00.000+08:00

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours
(My heart, it beats for you)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you (It beats, beats for only you)
My heart is yours (My heart is yours)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart, my heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)

(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours
(Please don't go, please don't fade away)
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is...

My Heart - Paramore

Paramore in Singapore

2009-01-13T22:47:00.001+08:00

If you want to see Paramore in Singapore, click on the link on the left side.
Demand it! by Eventful

Let the Flames Begin

2009-01-13T01:08:00.000+08:00

What a shame we all became such fragile, broken things.
A memory remains just a tiny spark.
I give it all my oxygen,
To let the flames begin
To let the flames begin.

Oh, glory.
Oh, glory.
This is how we'll dance when,
When they try to take us down.
This is what will be oh glory.

Somewhere weakness is our strength,
And I'll die searching for it.
I can't let myself regret such selfishness.
My pain and all the trouble caused,
No matter how long
I believe that there's hope
Buried beneath it all and
Hiding beneath it all, and
Growing beneath it all, and...

This is how we'll dance when,
When they try to take us down
This is how we'll sing it.
This is how we'll stand when
When they burn our houses down.
This is what will be oh glory.

Reaching as I sink down into light.
Reaching as I sink down into light.

This is how we dance when,
When they try to take us down
This is how we'll sing it.
This is how we'll stand when,
When they burn our houses down.
This is what will be oh glory.

Let the Flames Begin - Paramore

Lonely

2009-01-07T00:09:00.002+08:00

The memories return, and they return with a purpose.
I can feel the burn, the sting of them. It hurts and I feel like its killing me.
Some of them, a picturesque scene. Others, a nightmare.
Amidst the memories, theres never a time without love hidden in the background.
Never once there hatred without care. I failed to notice that.

I solely wanted everything to be perfect, the way I want it to be.
I nearly cost the relationships of my friends. I nearly lost them.
I hated that, I don't want to use them for myself.
I am too selfish. Why am I like this? All I wanted was everyone's happiness.
But my perfectionist ways made everyone mad, angry. At me.
I wanted it to stop. I've tried my best to let go. To stop holding on.

All I really wanted was for you to hear me out. I don't want to remain all alone,
when no one is there. The warmth of your hug, the happiness and joy your smile brings.

What a shame we all became such fragile broke things. A memory remains just a tiny spark.
I've given all my oxygen. So let the flames begin. Oh glory...
Let the Flames Begin - Paramore

Merry Christmas

2008-12-27T04:18:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone!
Happy New Year!

I can't win

2008-12-16T20:06:00.001+08:00

Its been far too long.
I just want to give up.
But I don't want to.
I can't accept that fact.
I don't want it to be true.
Wake me up before its too late.
Before I fall into the abyss.
The gaping hole of my past.

Why did we get here?

2008-12-09T20:05:00.003+08:00

What have we done to make it turn out like this?
I thought everything would be fine,
everything would get better.
Your words dangle like flowers whithering away.
Your smile still a sight of relief and happiness in me.
You turn around walk away,
I have nothing to offer you.
I've been an idiot yet you've forgiven me.
I wish I could protect you from harm,
from the horrible things I'd do to you.
I don't want to hurt you,
I don't want to hurt myself,
I don't want anyone to see my hands,
'Cos they have been scarred by the mistakes,
scarred by the lies.
You trusted me, yet I lied in your face.
You took up the courage to forgive me.
I denied the truth.
It wasn't supposed to turn out like this.
I want to walk away from it,
wash out the pain,
make do with what I've got left.
Maybe I'll be better without you,
I need a break.
I miss your smile, your words.
Because when we meet again,
I won't be running into your arms crying anymore.
The pain will end,
and so will the joy.
Turn around and look again,
don't be surprised.
My footprints are there,
with a note on the floor saying, "I love you."
but I'm already long gone.

Twilight

2008-12-09T15:50:00.001+08:00

How can i decide whats right?
When your clouding up my mind,
I cant win your losing fight,
All the time.

How can i ever own whats mine?
When your always taking sides,
But you wont take away my pride,
No not this time...
Not this time.

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well,
How did we get here?
I think i know how.

The truth is hiding in your eyes,
And it's hanging on your tongue,
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that i cant see.
What kind of man that you are?
If your man at all,
I will figure this one out.
On my own...
(Screaming i love you so)
On my own...
(My thoughts you cant decode)

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well,
How did we get here?
I think i know how.

Do you see,
What weve done,
Were gonna make such fools,
Of ourselves...
Do you see,
What weve done,
Were gonna make such fools,
Of ourselves...
YEAH

How did we get here
I used to know you so well
Yeah Yeah Yeah
How did we get here?
I use to know you so well
I think i know...
I think i know...

There is something,
I see in you,
It might kill me,
I want it to be true.

Decode by Paramore.
Featured in the movie, Twilight.

New Blog Skin

2008-12-02T20:19:00.001+08:00

New blog skin up!
Comment!
Rate!

Haha...I tried messing around with the codes and I eventually figured it out! =D

Blogskin featuring lead singer, Hayley Williams of punk rock band, Paramore.

Cheers to creators of this skin.
Woot to all Paramore fans!

We Are Broken

2008-11-26T00:14:00.000+08:00

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Yeah
'Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
'Cause we just wanna be whole

Lock the doors
Cause I'd like to capture this voice
It came to me tonight
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights
I'll show myself it wasn't forged
We're at war
We live like this

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

'Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
'Cause we just wanna be whole

Tower over me
Tower over me

And I'll take the truth at any cost

'Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
'Cause we just wanna be whole

Conspiracy

2008-11-18T21:48:00.001+08:00

Please speak softly
or they will hear us
and they'll find out
why we don't trust them
Speak up dear
'cause I cannot hear you
I need to know
why we don't trust them

Explain to me
this conspiracy against me, yeah
And tell me how
I lost my power, oh yeah

Where can I turn
'cause I need something more
Surrounded by uncertianty
I'm so unsure of...
Tell me why I feel so alone
'cause I need to know
to whom do I owe

Explain to me
this conspiracy against me, yeah
And tell me how
I lost my power, oh yeah

I thought
you would make it
because you said
that we'd make it through
And when all security fails
you'd be there
to help me through

Explain to me
this conspiracy against me, yeah
And tell me how
I lost my power, oh

Lonesome

2008-10-30T21:42:00.002+08:00

Times are getting lonely, as the year goes by.

2nd week into new semester in school. More classmates disappear from the classes I go to. Many of my old classmates are either out of school, or in another class.

Classes I go to now are kinda lonely. New people around, all in their cliques. Hard for me to get recognized into their cliques. Lost motivation to really study hard.

Meet my old classmates once every week during care group interaction time. Makes me smile just to see them again, being the clowns and funny friends as they always are. They always made my day whenever I can meet them and talk to them.

I've seen love die way too many times, when it deserves to be alive.
Emergency - Paramore

Pressure

2008-10-28T20:25:00.002+08:00

I can feel the pressure, its getting closer now than ever.
Some things I'll never know, I had to let them go.
I'm sitting here all alone, feeling empty.

One Last Song

2008-04-18T00:09:00.004+08:00

Early morning wake up,
The dream of a lifetime,
I wish was nothing less than reality.
The only thing I want from you,
Is for your to give me your hand,
And we'll go to where ever God takes us.

Sometimes grudges, pain and sorrow,
Bring me to my knees,
And you were there showering love over me.
But...

I'm sorry for all the lies,
I'm sorry for making you, cry.
I never meant for this to happen,
I've gotta make a confession.
And to you, I'll sing one last song.

The sunset reminds me of you and me,
It reminds of the dark times that will come,
Of how the shadow of darkness will overpower us.
But it also reminds me,
That if we fight this darkness together,
The dawn of a new day will come again.

Sometimes grudges, pain and sorrow,
Bring me to my knees,
And you were there showering love over me.
But...

I'm sorry for all the lies,
I'm sorry for making you, cry.
I never meant for this to happen,
I've gotta make a confession.
And to you, I'll sing one last song.

And maybe now, theres some other place,
One where I can sleep.
Without, thinking too much about the past,
Think about, what I would have become without you.
And all I wanted to say was, "I love you."
But...

I'm sorry for all the lies,
I'm sorry for, making you cry. Oh i'm so sorry.
I never meant for this to happen,
I've gotten make one last confession.
And to you, I'll sing one last song.

Don't wait for me, I'm already gone.

Something More

2008-02-14T17:32:00.002+08:00

The worst is yet to come,
so vulnerable and dumb say the words and I'll dissolve
Tell me how long should this last
I've been forgetting how to act and
These memories will burn like gasoline

And I believe there's something more
cause this isn't what I've been looking for
If I blink my eyes
I'm afraid I might miss some of it
This makes no sense
a mirage of an oasis
but it kills my time

Well try to remember what I sought,
I never gave it that much thought
Does it really matter at all,
cause there really is no time for opening up my eyes
Cause you know that I have seen it all before

And I believe there's something more
cause this isn't what I've been looking for
If I blink my eyes
I'm afraid I might miss some of it
This makes no sense
a mirage of an oasis
but it kills my time

Well I wish I could always feel this good,
I wish that I could always feel this way,
Wish I could always feel this good,
wish that I could always know what's out there

Cause I believe there's something more
cause this isn't what I've been looking for
If I blink my eyes
I'm afraid I might miss some of it
This makes no sense
a mirage of an oasis
but it kills my time

I wish I could always feel this good,
I wish that I could always feel this way,
I wish I could always feel this good,
wish that I could be imitating the screen
imitating the screen
if you hate something it goes away
if you hate something then just wait.

5 Loaves and 2 Fishes

2008-01-30T02:04:00.000+08:00

A little boy of thirteen
was on his way to school
He heard a crowd of people laughing
and he went to take a look
Thousands were listening
to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom,
even the kids could understand

The hours passed so quickly
the day turned to night
Everyone was hungry
but there was no food in sight
The boy looked in his lunchbox
at the little that he had
He wasn't sure what good it'd do
there were thousands to be fed
But he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
the kindness in His smile
and the boy cried out
with the trust of a child

he said:

"Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
to feed them all"

I often think about that boy
when I'm feeling small
and I worry that the work I do
means nothing at all

But every single tear I cry
is a diamond in His hand
sand every door that slams in my face
I will offer up in prayer

So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All you need is my "Amen"

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small

I trust in you
I trust in you

Take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
no gift is too small

Leave out all the rest

2008-01-29T20:53:00.000+08:00

I dreamed I was missing,
You were so scared,
But no one would listen,
Cause no one else cared.
After my dreaming,
I woke with this fear,
What am I leaving,
When I'm done here.
So if you're asking me I want you to know.

When my time comes,
Forget the wrong that I've done.
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed.
Don't resent me,
And when you're feeling empty,
Keep me in your memory,
Leave out all the rest.
Leave out all the rest.

Don't be afraid,
I've taken my beating,
I've shared what I made.
I'm strong on the surface,
Not all the way through.
I've never been perfect,
But neither have you.
So if you're asking me I want you to know.

Forgetting, all the hurt inside
You learned to hide so well.
Pretending, someone else can come
And save me from myself.

I can't be who you are.

Leave out all the rest.

My life woven into the lyrics of a song

2008-01-17T01:41:00.000+08:00

My insides all turn to ash,
So slow.
And blew away as I collapsed,
So cold.
A black wind took them away,
From sight.
And now the darkness over day,
that night.
And the clouds above moved closer,
Looking so dissatisfied.
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing.

I used to be my own protection,
But not now.
Cos my path has lost direction,
Some how.
A black wind took you away,
From sight.
And now the darkness over day,
That night.
And the clouds above moved closer,
Looking so dissatisfied.
And the ground below grew colder,
As they put you down inside.
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing.

So now you're gone,
And I was wrong.
I never knew what it was like,
To be alone...

Why do I continue to do this,
Why do I continue to let myself suffer,
Why do I continue to hide my emotions,
Why do I continue to dream about something,
Something that will never happen.
Unless, miracles come true.
This is my story, a story of my life,
My life woven into the lyrics of a song.
A song of unknown genre.
A song of hatred.
A song of regret.
A song of peace.
A song of love.

With You

2008-01-10T21:10:00.000+08:00

I woke up in a dream today,
To the cold of the static
And put my cold feet on the floor.
Forgot all about yesterday,
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore.
A little taste of hyprocrisy,
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake
Slow to react.
Even though you're so close to me,
You're still so distant,
And I can't bring you back.

It's true, the way I feel,
Was promised by your face.
The sound of your voice,
Painted on my memories,
Even if you're not with me
I'm with you.

You, now I see, keeping everything inside.
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes.

I hit you and you hit me back.
We fall to the floor,
The rest of the day stands still.
Fine line between this and that,
But when things go wrong I pretend that the past isn't real.
Now I'm trapped in this memory,
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake,
Slow to react.
Even though you're close to me,
You're still so distant,
And I can't bring you back.

No, no matter how far we've come.
I can't wait to see tomorrow,
With you.

Lyring From You

2008-01-03T21:30:00.000+08:00

When I pretend,
Everything is what I wanted to be,
I look exactly like what you had always
Wanted to see.
When I pretend,
I can forget about the criminal I am,
Stealing second after second just 'cause
I know I can, but,
I can't pretend this is the way
It will stay, I'm just
Trying to bend the truth.
I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be
So I'm

Lying my way from you.

No turning back now.
I wanna be pushed aside
So let me go.
Let me take back my life
I'd rather be all alone,
Anywhere on my own
'Cause I can see,
The very worse part of you,
Is me.

I remember what they taught to me,
Remember condescending talk
Of who I ought to be.
Remember listening to all of that
And this again.
So I pretended up a person who was fitting in.
And now you think this person
Really is me and I'm
Trying to bend the truth.
But the more I push
The more I'm pulling away
'Cause I'm

Lying my way from you.

No turning back now.
I wanna be pushed aside
So let me go.
Let me take back my life
I'd rather be all alone,
Anywhere on my own
'Cause I can see,
The very worse part of you,
The very worse part of you,
Is me.

This isn't what I wanted to be.
I never thought that what I said
Would have you running from me,
Like this.

The very worse part of you,
The very worse part of you,
Is me.

Pushing Me Away

2007-12-27T00:20:00.000+08:00

I've lied, to you,
The same way that I always do.
This is, the last smlie,
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you.

Everything falls apart,
Even the people who never frown,
Will eventually break down.
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie.
Everything has to end,
We'll soon find we're outta time left,
To watch it all unwind.
The sacrifice is never knowing,

Why I never walked away?
Why I played myself this way?
Now I see, your testing me,
Pushes me away.

I've tried, like you,
To do everything you wanted to.
This is, the last time,
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you.

Everything falls apart,
Even the people who never frown,
Will eventually break down.
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie.
Everything has to end,
We'll soon find we're outta time left,
To watch it all unwind.
The sacrifice is never knowing,

Why I never walked away?
Why I played myself this way?
Now I see, your testing me,
Pushes me away.

We're all outta time,
This is how it winds how it all unwinds.
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie.
We're all outta time,
This is how it winds how it all unwinds.
The sacrifice is never knowing,

Why I never walked away?
Why I played myself this way?
Now I see, your testing me,
Pushes me away.

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T00:19:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Or so they say, the spirit of christmas...

2007-12-23T22:58:00.000+08:00

Christmas, the feeling of joy, the feeling of happiness, the feeling of love. Its such a beautiful thing.

I've haven't been doing much this christmas. Missed caroling with the choir, missed quality time with the choir, missed saturday 6pm masses, missed everything. Sigh, I really don't know.

Why is there this feeling of sadness, this feeling of regret, this feeling of...of hate, living within me? Why must there be this heavy weight on my shoulder, putting me down all the time? Why must it be like this?

This...isn't the spirit of christmas.

Fighting

2007-11-22T10:43:00.001+08:00

Said I'd move on and I'd leave it alone
But before I walk out there's something that I need you to know
I got lost in a blink of an eye
And I can never get back
No I never got back
You were not there when I wanted to say
That you were everything right and it wasn't even me to change
Now I got to go there alone
But I will never give up
No I'll never give up

What am I fighting for?
There must be something more
For all these words I sing
Do you feel anything?

Said I'm okay but I know how to lie
You were all that I had
You were delicate and hard to find
Got lost in the back of my mind
And I can never get back
No, I never got back
You were not there when I needed to say
I hit the bottom so fast
That my head was spinning around for days
Now I got to go there alone
But I will never give up,
No I will never give up

Linkin Park Live in Singapore

2007-11-13T23:59:00.000+08:00

Amazing...Simply amazing...Words are not enough to describe how amazing it was. Linkin Park Live in Singapore today at the Indoor Stadium from 8.00pm ++. I was there...You should have been to experience it. It was out of this world! The concert was simply jaw dropping! Despite the one hour delay before the concert actually started, the wait was worth it. They sang, the audience sang, we jumped and rocked the whole stadium.

My first ever concert: Linkin Park
How freaking awesome is that? Being a Linkin Park fan, getting to go to their concert is once in a blue moon, not including the problem of money. I never would have been able to go for the concert if it weren't for my brother buying a ticket for me just for my birthday present, and add on an additional ticket for a friend who only had to pay 50 dollars. Boy, Mark sure is lucky to get a ticket for Linkin Park that goes for that price. Haha!

Songs from Minutes to Midnight, to Hybrid Theory, to Meteora were sung. And I enjoyed them to the point where I was jumping with the rest of the indoor stadium audience who were jumping together in unison with the songs. Best song sung IMO : Numb because the way the song started was very unexpected. No one knew they were going to play that song. And when the starting music played, I almost screamed out in surprise and joy, for Numb is one of the best songs ever composed by them. And no doubt, after they had finished singing the song, the audience applauded and cheered so loud that IMO it was the loudest of all the other songs' cheering and applauding.

It was awesome, you should have been there. Like I said before, no words can describe how exciting and how exhilerating the concert was. You must be there to enjoy it.

What's there more to say?

2007-11-10T23:23:00.000+08:00

What's there more for me to say? All you ever wanted to do is humilate me. All you ever wanted to do is prove me wrong, treat me like some fucking asshole. All I wanted was a little thing for myself that I didn't have, and your mouth was like a gun, shooting bullets of insults and humiliating words, just to burst my bubble of happiness, materialistic happiness.

Go ahead, laugh at me, ignore me when all I said was "Hi", and got no reply from you, only to have to look at me like I'm some kind of stranger. Stop trying to say I'm a loner just because I didn't mix well with you all last time. Just because you all think I'm the loner when you were the ones who made me the loner. I talked to you all, but all you did was talk among yourselves and ignored me, like I'm some fly on the wall, and yet you announce that I'm a loner.

Nevermind, its okay. I've accepted that. Maybe its better if I just left without a word and without a trace. Turn off my phone and don't reply to messages and missed calls. Because I know behind that "Are you okay?" message is someone who thinks I'm a loner because I didn't interact, when I was the damn victim of your arrogance. You saw the outcome of your arrogance when I, or rather you failed to interact with me. What wrong did I do? True, I was moody. Moody about what? About the way you fuckheads were treating me.

What for I kept all this inside me all this time? And what for I used up a post just to blare everything out? I don't find any relief in doing this. I don't find any pleasure in doing this. I don't see you suffering from your own poison. But just know that I don't deserve this, being a punching bag for you, so if you would like to flame me because I said all this, then go ahead. I won't be the one suffering inside. You'll be left with all your secrets and regrets, don't lie, its written all over your face, all over your actions.

Bleed It Out

2007-10-23T21:00:00.000+08:00

Bleed It Out - Linkin Park
(Explicit Content: Profanities included)

Here we go for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line
Throw 'em up and let something shine
Going out of my fuckin mind
Filthy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose
String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so I won't get loose
Truth is, you can stop and stare
Bled myself out and no one cares
Dug the trench out, laid down there
With a shovel up out of reach somewhere
Yeah, someone pour it in
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring the chorus in

I bleed it out
Digging deepers just to throw it away
Just to throw it away
I bleed it out

I bleed it out, go, stop the show
Choppy words and a stoppy flow
Shotgun opera, lock and load
Cock it back and then watch it go
Mama help me, I've been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse
Candy paint on his brand new hearse
Can't contain him, he knows he works
Fuck this hurts, I won't lie, doesn't matter how hard I try
Half the words don't mean a thing and I know I won't be satisfied
So why try ignoring him
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers and stomp it out
When they bring the chorus in

I open up these scars
I'll make you face this
I pull myself apart
I'll make you face this
I open up these scars
I'll make you face this now

Long way from serenity

2007-10-07T02:55:00.000+08:00

I walk a thousand miles, just to see your smile.
I walk this lonely road, till I see you running to me.

I've been torned apart, theres nothing left of me.
I've been tossed about, the sea will never calm down.

I've lost my way, you were there to guide me.
I've lost all meaning, but you gave me hope.

Turn around, don't look at me.
Run away, before the beast is unleashed.

I've caused too much hatred, a monster lives within me.
I feel no guilt for my sins, a murderer I am.

Push aside what you thought of me, and forget everything.
Leave me to die, I don't deserve this.

Only you were there, with a smile on your face.
A smile that has been engraved within my mind.

A smile I'll never forget.
Your smile that gave me life.

Was tagged and will tag others

2007-08-24T16:24:00.000+08:00

Heya all...sorry for inactivity once again. Been busy with studying plus have limited time to use the laptop. Here goes the little quiz Sharon tagged me with.

List out the top 5 presents you wish for:
1. A drum-set(This wish has been prolonged for like almost 3 years already)
2. World of Warcraft Wrath of the Lich King(when it comes out =P )
3. A Nissan 180SX RPS13(for real! haha)
4. $$ so I can treat my friends to a big treat. (And I mean super big...)
5. Last but not least, well...more money!! $$$$

Answer the following questions-

The person who tagged you is: Sharon

Your relationship with her/him is: Friends! And her BF's best friend =P

Your 5 impressions of her/him:
1. Cheerful
2. Always there to listen to problems
3. Finds my bro wierd o_O
4. Hates smokers
5. Doesn't understand why guys like gaming so much =P

The most memorable thing he/she had done for you:
Well...she has always been there to give me a listening ear whenever I have trouble, problems, doubts etc. She rawks! =P

The most memorable words he/she had said to you:
"Those words you wrote down were sweet." I was like whoa! Are you serious? roflmao!

If he/ she becomes your lover, you will:
I'll suffer the wrath of rod. He'll hunt me down to the ends of the earth! Or at least take my fries away. T_T

If he/ she becomes your lover, things he/ she has to improve on will be:
Never! I won't ask for more. Rod has already deafenstrated me. What else would he do to me? Decapitate me? Gah...no way!

If he/ she becomes your enemy, you will:
Boo! No way! Rod will still kill me. Rather lose an enemy than gain one. Rather have one extra friend than one less.

If he/ she becomes your enemy, the reason will be:
Signed a secret pact with rod to kill her. Roflmao. Just joking. Maybe because I took her cheese away.

The most desired thing you want to do for him/ her now is:
Give her a free treat at Beer Garden in Siglap, and the food would be the Ban Mian which I have been wanting to let her try for ages. And add some cheese to that too. xD

Your overall impression of him/ her is:
Caring. (Always makes sure everyone is happy)

How do you think people around you will feel about you?
I'm a loner. I'm emo. I hate you. Get away from me!

The characteristic(s) you love of yourself is /are:
Never brags about how extremely super rich my family is though everyone likes to say so.

On the contrary. the characteristic (s) you hate of yourself is/ are:
Undecisive, selfishness.

The most ideal person you want to be is:
I don't know, I guess whoever that I find inspiration in? Haha!

For people that like and care for you, say something to them:
Thanks for always being there for me. And always accepting me and forgiving me for whatever faults or wrongdoings I may have done. You deserve more than just my thanks and my appreciation.

Pass this quiz to 10 people;
(Even though some of these people may have been tagged already, I'm still gonna tag them)
In no order of preference,
1. Mark, Best buddy always there for me
2. Jared, Best dude in the whole world, what would I do without you
3. Rod, yet another Best buddy who always shares the same views and thoughts as me
4. Francisco, yet another Best dude who never lets me down
5. Olivia, YO GAL! but yeah haha, thanks for always being there for me, and accepting me
6. Matthew Leong, the most suai dude I've ever known, stay pretty and hope to see you in school more often, especially for lunch! =P
7. Benny Boy, what more can I say about ya? FTW ID4 HOTD4 BOI! WOOT haha
8. Chun Ming, my best buddy classmate =P
9. James Ong, yet another best buddy classmate =P
10. Dominic Ng, best buddy in the choir, stay cheerful bro! =P

The Kill - 30 seconds to Mars

2007-08-17T01:40:00.000+08:00

"The Kill" by 30 Seconds to Mars
(Thanks Sharon for the intro')

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break...?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I'm not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me

I'm in no mood...

2007-08-10T23:33:00.000+08:00

Sorry peeps for my inactivity on blogging. Been busy with school projects and all. Plus something's been really bothering me these past few days and weeks. Note, profanities may be used. Don't mind me while I rant.

I'm pissed at the way I'm being treated even though I have always accepted that. I'm pissed of being so tensed up everyday. I'm pissed of keeping everything inside of me just because I'm scared to show everyone. I'm pissed of always having to put up a smile, crack a joke or two, just to positively affect the people around me, if not everyone will turn emo because I'm feeling emo. I'm pissed at the stupid things I do to escape from reality, to escape from pain.

You all think I'm always the one that is wrong. You all think the way I treat you all is so superficial, so animated when its not even meant to be. You all give me the cold shoulder, ignore me, talk to me like I'm a stranger. You all think I'm alright, but NO, I'm not the least alright at all.

And for all this, I've accepted the way they are. I had no regrets, no complaints, no pissed-off attitude. Until now, when the pressure is so strong, when the burden that I've been bearing with started tearing the very flesh off me.

I've had enough. Enough of this pain. Enough of this humilation. Enough of this unforgiving attitude. Enough of the inability to accept. Enough of everything.

I'll follow when and where I want to. I will not be pushed around anymore. Enough of giving me this treatment. 'Treat others the way you want them to treat you.' So much for that when all I'm getting is the opposite. What have I done to you to deserve this unfriendly treatment?

A Lonely September

2007-08-05T02:55:00.000+08:00

"A Lonely September" by Plain White T's

I'm sittin' here all by myself

just tryin' to think of something to do

Tryin' to think of something, anything

just to keep me from thinking of you

But you know it's not working out

'cause you're all that's on my mind

One thought of you is all it takes

to leave the rest of the world behind

[Chorus]

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did

And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did

And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did

And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself

that you're not the one for me

But the more I think, the less I believe it

and the more I want you here with me

You know the holidays are coming up

I don't want to spend them alone

Memories of Christmas time with you

will just kill me if I'm on my own

[Chorus]

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did

And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did

And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did

And you didn't mean to love me back

I know it's not the smartest thing to do

we just can't seem to get it right

But what I wouldn't give to have one more chance tonight

One more chance tonight

I'm sittin' here tryin' to entertain myself with this old guitar

But with all my inspiration gone it's not getting me very far

I look around my room and everything I see reminds me of you

Oh please, baby won't you take my hand

we've got nothing left to prove

[Chorus]

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did

And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did

And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did

And you didn't mean to love me back, but I know you did

And I didn't mean to meet you then

we were just kids

And I didn't mean to give you chills

the way that I kiss

And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did

And you didn't mean to love me back but I know you did

Don't say you didn't love me back 'cause you know you did

No, you didn't mean to love me back

But you did

Love

2007-08-04T16:56:00.000+08:00

Falling in love is such a wonderful thing...don't you think? You get to have someone by your side, someone who you care for you and who cares for you, someone who will listen to your problems, someone who you can always look to, someone who you would buy gifts for occasions unknown to, someone who you love, someone who you want to spend the rest of life with.

I know. I've always thought about falling in love with a girl of my dreams, and yet she would love me back equally or better. But love is of no measure. Love comes in many ways though human love is specific and unique in certain ways.

But anyhow, sometimes troubles come along the way. Interference. Impatienence. Lack of time. Etc. This is all reality even if we don't like it or not. Thats where friends come in. Friends who care endlessly. Friends who make sure everything is back to proper place. Friends who love unconditionally even if they aren't in a relationship with who ever their helping. This is what I call Love.

Love never always has to refer to holding hands with your partner, or kissing, or buying gifts for. It comes in simple ways like talking, giving a listening ear, etc. I know exactly what that is. I know how insignificant some of my actions can be, but yet the sign of love is embedded in that action.

Getting angry at your friends, ignoring your friends etc. is a sign of love and caring by some people. I would think otherwise. This shows your inability to accept your friend as they are. The inability to forgive their wrongdoing. The inability to be patient. The inability to Love.

I walk around by myself sometimes, wondering what I can do to care for my family, my friends better. To show how important they are to me. To show what the word 'Love' means to me. To show what love can really do.

Sometimes I get ignored and left out. I accept whoever's decision to ignore me. But it won't be my decision to ignore them and disregard them as the friends I've always known them to be.

Sigh, I'm most probably talking crap. Ahh oh well, thats all for this post.
Ciao.

One way or another...

2007-07-25T23:59:00.000+08:00

I encountered someone today who asked me something, which I feel like sharing with you guys. And sorry once more for holding up chapter 3. There are a lot more stuff to be edited in my draft.

It was somewhere in the late afternoon, at Bedok Interchange. This young lady approached me with a blue booklet in her hand. She had asked me I could answer a questionnaire that she had, and I agreed to answer it.

The main topic of her questionnaire was "Love", and I was caught by surprise, undoubtedly unsuspecting it. The first question that she had asked me was, "Have you ever fallen in love?"

My reply was simple. "Yes."

Next question came, "Are you currently in a relationship?"

"No," came my answer.

"Okay. Heres a little scenario for you which I have come up with: Imagine you're in love with the girl of your life, but she doesn't know, no one else knows. But then one day, your best friend takes her away from you. Even as much as heartbroken as you may be, you still hang out with them as often as possible. But by doing that, you're constantly burdened by their show of love for each other, and somehow you wished you could have done something better that may put you in the position of the person, your best friend, holding in his arms, the girl of your life." The lady paused to give me a quick breather to collate my thoughts about this together.

I could say that I was utterly shocked by this scenario, which this lady had written down on her booklet and had told me of it. I felt it was awfully similiar to a past event, which I have shoved into the back of my memory.

She then asked me, "What are your thoughts about this?"

"I'll just forget about what had happened, and wish them all the best in their relationship."

I walked away to the MRT station after she had thanked me for my time and sharing my thoughts with her.

From then on, I got kinda of emotional, until now. Why? I don't know. But whatever it is, it will pass in the time to come. Sigh, I have nothing else to say. Just let me soak my pillow with tears just this night. Sorry for having to make this post emo in anyway.

This'll be all for this post.

Face up to reality...

2007-07-23T23:59:00.000+08:00

Honestly, some people are too much. They take criticism too much at heart. I won't deny that I took criticism too seriously, and as a result I can't face up to reality.

I mean, so what? So what if someone mocks you, gossips about you, and what not. Oh! You get agitated. You get frustrated. You want to beat up that specific someone who has criticised about you. I mean, GROW UP! WTF!

I was just reading Oli's blog today. And someone in her tag board mentioned that he or she is gonna come and look for her, and that Oli better be prepared because Oli blogged about Celeste. IF YOU PLAN ON BEATING UP A GIRL LIKE OLI, YOU BETTER THINK AGAIN! First of all, you'll have to come through her closest friends and me. You want to play childish behaviour? I'll play childish behaviour with you.

And one note, it wasn't about he or she. The blog post was about Celeste! And some mofo comes in and threatens Oli. COME ON! WHAT THE HELL MAN? Seriously, this ain't your war so just STFU!

And honestly, if you can't even take criticism, I don't know how you are going to survive the working life, where everyone will criticise you just to make you lose your job and what not. Some people are really too much. And Oli don't worry, I've got your back.

Days pass by...

2007-07-22T23:59:00.000+08:00

So many days have past, and yet Chapter 3 isn't out yet. Just want to apologise for the delay. My laptop's motherboard had some problems, and as a result I couldn't access the drafts of the story inside.

Chapter 3 is under way. So bare with the next few days before I finally publish it out on my blog.

Also, I have been kinda busy this week. I was doing my best to catch up with my Java project where my developed work is stuck on my laptop hard disk, which is inevitably lost because of the motherboard failure. Other than that, been playing a lot of Initial D 4 with Dom and Ben. Its a super fun game, but otherwise addictive. Haha.

This is all for this post. Until next time.

Chapter 2

2007-07-12T01:37:00.000+08:00

Here goes chapter 2. Enjoy!

Chapter 2

============

"Bring in the captives!" Shouted a quartermaster. "My lord, this two young ladies failed to provide our men with provisions when they demanded for it. They are in your charge."

Both of the young ladies were kneeling on the floor, as they had been pushed by the guards. One of them managed to lift her head up to see who they are kneeling before. A tall, dark and muscular figure was all that she could see, and out of the corner of her eye, she noticed two curved blades on his sides, both of which struck terror in her. The figure stood up from his seat, or other words, throne. In his right hand was a jug of wine, which was obvious due to strong smell of the alcohol. As she looked at the place where she had been held captive, she noticed that they were in an extremely huge cave, and in the cave she also noticed that there was a gigantic boat that took almost the whole space in the cave. Rather confused about how a boat could be inside a cave without any water to float on, she tried to hear for the sound of water amongst the chatter of pirates and the often shouts of commands from quartermasters. A distinct sound of water splashing against rocks was heard and she was utterly surprised as to what this group of pirates, or rather bandits have been doing secretly in this cave. Her attention shifted to the dark figure who suddenly towered above her.

"I only have one question for both of you. Do you know who I am?" The dark figure asked with a stench of alcohol in his breath. One of the ladies replied, "Yes." The other however was totally clueless as to what he was referring himself to. "What about you? Do you know who I am?" The dark figure asked. The latter only replied by shaking her head, implying that she knew nothing about him. The figure took a gulp from the jug.

"What is your name, miss?"

"Sarah."

"What a lovely name I must say. However, Sarah, since you and your companion fail to please me, I shall have both of you locked away. Guards!" exclaimed the figure.

The two ladies, including Sarah was dragged away by two strong guards to be locked up. And as they were being dragged away, the figure shouted, "Just to let you know Sarah, no one can save you now, not even the army from Stormwind. Because no one can make it all the way inside here alive. For this is the Deadmines, and I am the Lord of the Deadmines, for I am Edwin Van Cleef!"

------------------------

"By the light, perish undead!" A young woman, wearing a white coloured robe, which practically glowed with radiance, proclaimed. She muttered an incantation under her breath, and in an instance, the unliving creature, a zombie in front of her fell to the ground with bright light which engulfed it. The undead let out a scream as it fell that sent chills down the priestly woman's spine, who took it down single-handedly.

"Thank you, oh priest! Thank you for saving my life!" exclaimed a young boy of age not more than ten, apparently a victim of the zombie's assault on him. "Nothing outside of Darkshire is safe anymore, young one. I suggest you be heading back there if you don't wish another attack by the undead." The boy nodded his head, and was seen speeding off in the direction of Darkshire amidst the thick fog.

The young woman, got up from her kneeling position when she helped the boy up. In her hand was a rather dull looking mace, but the mace glowed almost like it was a torch. But it glowed with holy energy, obviously making her a follower of the light. From her belt, the lady got hold of a water pouch, where she took a sip from. Obviously the final incantation that struck her foe down drained much of her strength. She was weak, or otherwise not able to utilize her energy to its fullest potential without wasting any. She placed back the pouch on her belt and took in a deep breath of air. She spotted a flower, identifying immediately as a herb. She moved forward, almost as if she was hovering over the ground when she moved.

She started picking at the herb, trying her best to gather it without damaging the flower. "Its a Silverleaf! A decent healing potion can be made, but alas, I'll keep the herb."

As she stepped away from the shrub where she gathered the herb from, she heard the sound of a horse, and noticed a torch that glowed in the distance from where the sound was heard from. A Nightwatch Sentry was on duty and he made his way closer to the lady.

"Good afternoon ma'am. My name is Robert Geoffrey. May I provide you with any assistance?" asked the sentry.

"Good afternoon Robert. I'm Susannah Kirkpatrick and I'm just about to head back to the church at Darkshire. Thanks for your kind offer but I have all I need right now." replied Susannah.

The sentry observed Susannah closer, only to curse himself for not recognising her. "Sorry my lady. I didn't realise it was you! I shall be off then. By the way, your sermon yesterday was interesting."

Susannah giggled at the sentry's comment, only to reply, "Why thank you dear sir. I shall be off then."

============
End of Chapter 2

This ends chapter 2. Hope it was nice. Chapter 3 coming up!

Ciao!

Chapter 1

2007-07-11T20:35:00.000+08:00

Okay I'll shall start my first chapter of the story. Genre is gonna be fantasy aka Warcraft. Enjoy!

Chapter 1

==============

"Clonk!" A sudden noise had woken up Maverick Dawson from his sleep. He sat on his bed, upright in a position so that he could look around him more clearly. He sniffed the air, and immediately he knew something was amiss. Maverick retrieved his amulet from his desk, an amulet that he had kept since his grandmother, once a powerful archmage, had given to him since he could bearly talk. The amulet had a dazzling ruby jewel positioned at the center, with a golden chain that dangled around the bearer's neck.

Maverick creeped down the old wooden stairs of his house, trying not to alert whoever that had caused the noise earlier on. "Creak!" came a sound from the old staircase. Cursing himself, Maverick knew his predicament would definately be warned of his presence. He then dashed around the corner to the dining room, where he would be ready to face his predicament. Thrusting out his hand, Maverick gathered small particles of energy from around the room, and at his fingertips, these small particles merged, forming a intense ball of energy. Spotting a shadowy figure in the dining room, Maverick prepared to release the concentrated energy from his hand upon the unknown figure.

"Mav!" shouted the figure in a calm voice. "Mav, what are you doing?" Maverick immediately recognised the voice and tone of the figure. It was Cale'Anon, a high elf friend that he has been friends with since he studied at Stormwind. "Oh Cale, you gave me a fright. I had come to a conclusion that a rouge had gained entry into my house." Maverick exclaimed. "Sorry to give you a scare, dear companion. I was trying to reach for that jar of pickles on your shelf when I accidentally shifted another jar." Cale and Maverick exchanged looks, bursting out laughing almost immediately. Maverick motioned his companion to take a seat at the dinning table where they gobbled down some pickles.

Cale'Anon was formally a high captain of the 2nd swordsmen battalion during the third war when the scourge invaded and destroyed Silvermoon City, the once glorious city of the high elves. He was one of the only survivors from the seige that made it back to Stormwind where he reported to the Grand Marshall of the Army there. Taking a trip down memory lane, it was only 3 years before the third war that Maverick and Cale met, and from there they grew up to be the best of friends. Maverick was in a way, addicted to magic, and therefore a manupilator of the magical essences around him. His late grandmother, who use to be the High Archmage of Stormwind had taught him in the fine arts of magic ever since he was young. Maverick was nevertheless destined to be a mage.

"Where is Sarah by the way, Mav?" came a question from Cale. Sarah was Maverick's wife, who early in the morning had gone to visit her sister at a farm in Sentinel Hill. Maverick was absolutely clueless about her whereabouts since it was lunch time, where she would normally prepare a good meal for him. "I don't know Cale. She should have been back by this hour." Maverick replied with a worried expression on his face. "I guess this calls for a little adventure, Mav. I miss your wife's cooked food and I don't want to risk chances that she might be in trouble." exclaimed Cale.

Cale stood up from his seat, and drew his blade from its scabbard, revealing a sharpened claymore. "To arms, Mav!" Maverick, looked blankly at Cale, then stood up and he got hold of a rather rotten-looking stave from next to the fireplace. Immediately when his hand touched the stave, the top of the stave glowed bright, and out of nowhere, an orb had appeared on top of the stave and jewels lined the once ugly stave. Maverick's eyes almost seemed to glow bright with energy upon wielding the stave. "Let's go find Sarah!"

==========
End of Chapter 1

Woo...i wouldn't say that its good. I didn't even plan out anything to start with. Haha! Chapter 2 coming soon! Enjoy peeps!

Ciao!

Unworried life

2007-07-02T23:15:00.000+08:00

Over the past few days, weeks, months, I was struck yesterday with a lot of thoughts and feelings. (I'm deeply sorry for making this post emotional, intentionally or unintentionally.)

I had met up with Oli and Furt at Zion. Apparently Ben was there too, but Oli and Furt were just about to leave, and I decided to accompany them to Bugis since Furt had to serve the 5pm mass at Saint Joseph's Church(SJC). (Sorry Ben I didn't stay with you.)

Upon reaching SJC, Oli had otherwise told me that she would like to play drummania at the Bugis arcade. I agreed to accompany her while Furt served, but it turned out that we stayed for the mass at 5pm. As mass proper commenced, Oli and I took sights on Furt who was up on the altar serving. During homily, Oli and I started laughing at Furt as he was practically dozing off.

Quite amusing I must say. But it was during that particular homily that a lot of thoughts and feelings came over me. Phrases quoted from the homily: 'Love the wrong-doer, hate the wrongdoing.' ' "Aren't you supposed to destroy the enemy, not help or love him?" "By loving the enemy, aren't we already destroying him?" ' And many more quotes which I can't remember exactly. But all in all, those words affected me in everyway possible. The only thing that took my mind off it was when we were playing at the arcade and zion afterthat.

That night, I became so emotionally sad, that I cried myself to sleep. And thats something I am not proud of myself for doing. I didn't want to get so emotional over things I despised, things I wish I could have changed. I tried to sleep, so I would stop crying, stop facing the cold night alone.

In the morning, I woke up, feeling rather refreshed and renewed. I felt better, and headed to school. After class at 5 plus, I met Oli and Furt in the library, where we read some Garfield comics, and some other stuff. Furt and I started dozing off. For me, I wanted to rest my eyes and I was experiencing a bad headache. For Furt, most probably he was tired. Then we left and headed to Tampines for dinner at Macs.

When we reached Macs, we found a table and I positioned myself in front of Oli and Furt and in front of the big television. As we were eating, I looked up at the screen, and observed that people were sending in SMSs that were displayed on the television screen. Momentarily, I whipped out my phone and began typing a little message to be sent to be shown on the television. And then I awaited the time when it would be shown.

I motioned Oli and Furt to look at the screen, and when my message appeared, they were utterly shocked. This is what the screen displayed, " Furt loves oli. Oli loves furt. Hope you both will last forever. -Darryl " Then almost immediately, a big smile appeared on both their faces. They were smiling at me. I smiled back. I felt a great sense of happiness overcome me, for I had done something I never expected I would do, something that made not just me happy, but Oli and Furt happy. We stayed at Macs for like another half hour, just looking at the particular message that scrolls by on the screen. Well, at that point of time, no words could describe how I felt, how happy I felt, how satisfied I felt.

Oli sent two messages too. First message came, reading "I love you forever punpun!!! And Darr, thanks for the message!! =) " Second message came, reading (I swear this is super lame, but otherwise I couldn't stop laughing) "Lalalala. OliOli-PooPoo is feeling random and bored. Blah. Blah. Blah. Yay! "
Hahaha!! Every time the message was screened on the the television, I couldn't help myself but start laughing out loud like mad. So did Oli.

Besides that, Oli and Furt were very touched with my action. I could tell it from the way they smiled at me. And this would be my little message to end of to both of you, Oli and Furt;

I'll be here for you, regardless of the consequences. I'll be there, always.

The exchange of love

2007-06-23T14:24:00.000+08:00

Friendship, something that one must treasure, something that one must take initiative in making it grow, something that I learnt not to forsake.

A week back, I had made the one of the most important decisions in my life.

Oli loved playing Command & Conquer 3 ever since we introduced it to her. And the decision I had made then was to get her the game, regardless of price. I felt this would be a small gift from me to her, for her friendship, for her forgiveness. Also, I felt she deserved something because of what I have done, causing her to get angry and all because of me.

I had organised a little dinner outing on wednesday this week. But it turned out that we headed to zion to get some C&C3 action. That wednesday I asked my friend, Dominic Ng from church choir to accompany me to Sim Lim Square where I would buy the gift. I searched a few stores, and found the game of price suitable for me to buy. I bought the gift, and awaited for the time to come.

After the zion outing, when we all were headed home, I moved over to sit with Oli in the bus, and I whispered, "I got a little something for you, which I feel you deserve from me and I know you'd love it." When I was taking out the game from my bag, Oli guessed if it was DJMax. But No! When she saw the orange plastic bag covering a box size bigger than a PSP game box size, she took out the box and was utterly suprised. It was............Command & Conquer 3!! Sadly when she told me that Furt and her bought Command & Conquer 3 Kane Edition, I grew a little depressed, thinking that I had lost the chance. But who'd knew that she was so happy with it, with me that she started strangling me, to the point where I couldn't breathe! Haha! I was glad, and satisfied, because I had accomplished something I had wanted to do before, and that was to make Oli happy.

Then just yesterday, right after archery camp, something happened to me that has changed my life in some ways. No it has nothing to do with the limbs of the bow getting a chance of killing me. I met Oli and Furt(Welcome back!) at macdonalds at Bedok. When we were leaving for zion, Oli whipped out a small little rectangular box from her bag, and passed it to me. When I noticed the words printed on the box "BURNOUT DOMINATOR", my heart practically jumped for joy. ZOMGWTFHBBQ!

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. AHHH! THANK YOU SO MUCH OLI AND FURT FOR GETTING ME THIS GIFT! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU BOTH. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

It is in giving that we recieve. And this blog posts shows the exchange of love.

Ciao!

Archery Camp

2007-06-22T23:52:00.000+08:00

Archery camp just ended today. And I must say it was a blast! I made a lot of new friends, bonded more with friends I already knew, shot a lot of arrows etc etc. Overall archery camp was fun though it had its serious moments. PT was an example, where we had to train like mad to get our fitness up. And another serious moment would be during shooting training, to get our form right, stance correct, technique accurate, anchor position correct etc. But one serious moment happened today that made my day the scariest day of my life.

This is how it happened: Jared and I assembled a recurve bow up, but the bolts to secure the limbs to the reizer were missing. So we consulted one of the seniors to help find any other extra bolts that were suitable for the reizer. The senior couldn't find them so we had to use temporary bolts, that no one expected to be unusable.

After fixing the string to the bow, the recurve was all set for use. I then started drawing back the string of the bow to get a proper anchor point and to get my form correct. Oli and Jared stared at me, telling me how perfect my form is. I asked Jared to take a photo of me and he did. Then I did the same for Jared, helping him take a photo of his form. I took the bow from Jared to get my anchor point right. Then Oli, while complaining about how good my form is, took the bow from me and inspected it. And thankfully, I took the bow from her before she could draw back the string. Because when I took the bow from her again, and pulled back to string while Jared was telling me about my shoulder being too high, the limbs of the bow gave way, almost snapping. The bolts that held the limbs could not withstand the tension from the limbs and therefore, flew out. Immediately at that point of time, I felt the string lose tension, and I knew something was wrong. And in less than a spilt second, I prepared for the worse, when the limbs gave way and flew. The sound generated by the "snapping" of the bow shocked not just me but everyone. I stood frozen solid in front of Oli and Jared, in shock about what had happened.

I then felt pain in my left shoulder, where apparently one the limbs of the bow had swung and hit me. Oli, in shock, didn't register what had happened at that instance. She just stared. But then she regained her composure, and practically shouted, " Darryl, are you okay?" Jared immediately stood up and held me by my right arm to sit down. Then my whole left arm, especially where the limb had hit my shoulder, started throbbing in pain, the intensity of magnificent magnitude. It hurt so bad that I couldn't even talk properly, partly because of the shock I was experiencing. I just sat there, while the seniors came to ask what had happened, to ask if I was alright.

Jared started rubbing the point of impact and making my left arm move so as to get the blood circulating because he mentioned that he felt a blood clot. He rubbed hard, and I experienced short sharp stings of pain here and there whenever he rubbed a certain point. Oli and the rest of the team asked me if I was alright, and made sure I was okay to shoot. And thankfully, I was able to shoot even though holding up the bow gave me some difficulty.

As for now, I'm alright. My left arm doesn't hurt a significant much anymore.
That's all for this post. Ciao!

Day out!

2007-06-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

Today I headed out to meet up with my friends at zion, apparently, reliving the good old days of uncle's shop. Haha!

Met up with Sharon, her bro, Jonathan and Rod at 12noon at zion itself. Oli came in a few minutes after me, nevertheless to start playing warcraft3 with Sharon. Jonathan, Rod and I decided to play some Command&Conquer3, and we owned the computer so many times you couldn't even say "Ion Cannon Ready". =)

At about 1.40 plus, Oli left for her drum lessons at Tampines, and the rest of us headed to Roxy Square for lunch, but Sharon and Jonathan weren't eating as they would be going home soonafter to pack for their trip to Genting. *Hope you enjoy yourselves there! Take care and God bless!* So Rod and I, seeing that we had a lot more time till 4pm where we were supposed to meet up with the others again at zion, decided to send Sharon and Jonathan back to Bedok.

At about 4, Rod and I took the shuttle bus from Bedok Interchange to Parkway Parade, and we made our way to zion from there. Then a person came up to us, asking us to help him with a questionaire about christianity. We had a rather long conversation about Jesus Christ, Mother Mary etc. No sparks flew, but otherwise we exchanged views, even though Rod was a christian but had told the dude that he was a catholic. -_-" Oh well...didn't really know why he did that.

On to the biggest story of the day: Command & Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars

We had a small match in the game C&C3. Three on Three.

Furt, Oli and me VS Rod, Terrence and Ben

And I must say, even though Oli is totally new to the game, she played it excellently.

Match Player Races:

Furt - Scrin Rod - Scrin

Oli - GDI Ben - GDI

Me - NOD Terrence - NOD

Well this is how it basically went: We all started off almost the same style. Most of us built a crane for an extra construction panel, where we can build a tiberium refinery and a power plant at the same time. Then a Barracks. From there, I'd use the extra construction panel to my greatest advantage. Next two buildings were the War Factory and the Command Post. Next is Tech Centre then Ion Cannon Control Centre(GDI) or Temple of NOD(NOD's Nuke).

And that was where the other team got caught by surprise. I noticed that they were still building up their War Factory and/or base defenses and there they hear or see that a nuclear missle silo has been detected. Then I did what most NOD players would do to irritate and cause miscommunication among the enemy. Launch a radar-jamming missle, forcing them to scroll across the battlefield to observe areas for tiberium or enemy etc.

And indeed it did cause my enemies to get irritated. Ben practically started cursing at me when I kept jamming their radars. Oh and when all three of them threw all the air units on my base, I managed to jam their radars and built two SAM Sites and a stealth generator at the same time, which proved to be effective in wipping out some of their units together with my base defenses that were already up.

And because of my early dispatch of my nuke silo, they decided to completely destroy me. Rod brought 30 Planetary Assault Carriers, Terrence brought quite a large number of NOD Venoms and Ben bombarded me with his Firehawk bombers, which inevitably led to my defeat. So sad, only know how to gang up on me. But my defenses did hold out for quite a long time, SAM site here and a SAM site there, managing to reduce Rod's Carriers from 30 down to 24 with Oli helping to destroy another 4 carriers. Terrence lost quite a few number of Venoms, but they were deadly as they were meant to be. Ben lost almost no units because he did air strikes and an Ion Cannon on my Temple of Nod, disabling my Nuke for a second time after its first destruction.

And the game went on without my aid, leading to the defeat of my team and the victory of the enemy. And now, Oli is hoping that there can be another match like this again, because she really enjoyed that match though she didn't do as well as she thought she would do.

Until then, I'm off. Ciao!

*I plan on organising another outing to zion for the C&C3 group to enjoy a match against each other, since everyone, including me enjoyed it.*

Woot...jeez

2007-06-07T15:13:00.000+08:00

Woot! Engineering Fundamentals paper yesterday was so easy. The rest of my class were all cheering too! Haha!

And immediately after the paper came...THE HOLIDAYS!! Time to go wild!! *cheers*

Hmm...after the paper, me classmates went to watch Shrek 3 at Century Square. (Sorry guys that I didn't join you all. >_< ) Marcus and Lun Siong didn't join them too. We boarded a 10 since it took us to the place we all want to go; Home except LS who was going to meet the president, or so he says.

Anyway, when I reached home, I packed my laptop and drumsticks into my bag and headed down to Bugis with Rod. We were meeting up with some of our old friends that...well you could say that it was more than a year since we all met up. The two old friends that we met up with was Lynn and Crystal. I decided to invite Oli and Furt along too since they were inviting their friend too.

Waited for Oli and Furt to arrive, which took sometime. Lynn and her friend, Wilbert played an IQ game on Rod and me. And trust me, its soooooo stupid that I just ignored them. Haha! Eg. You know the word [whatever]? Spell it. Answer: I-T

*wacks head* So stupid =P

But it had its laughs too.

The seven of us, Oli, Furt, Lynn, Crystal, Wilbert, Rod and me headed to Burger King for lunch. And me being random, whipped out my laptop and decided to give Furt an insider to the gameplay of Starcraft II. (ZOMG STARCRAFT II IS GONNA PWN SO MUCH! ITS GONNA ROCK LIKE MAD! xD ) Furt immediately got interested in the video as they showed a demo of Starcraft II, showing new units of the Protoss, showing classic units from the first Starcraft with new abilities. Oli, though sleepy because of studying the whole morning without getting any good sleep, got so interested with the gameplay video that she wanted me to send her the video. Haha!

Official website for Starcraft II: www.starcraft2.com

The other group, Lynn, Crystal and Wilbert took another table and grabbed food while our group, Furt, Oli, Rod and me were watching the video. When I got my food and ate, it turned out that the other group were just about to head to Orchard for some other stuff. And it turns out that an outing with old friends reverted to an outing with the same ol' friends. Well, at least we met up for lunch, the thought counts.

Sharon met up with us almost immediately when they left. Oh well... =/ We headed to Sim Lim Square as I wanted to get a new mouse for my laptop. We entered a shop, found so many mouses, and guess what, I thought I saw a mouse trap on the floor. o_O okay...lame haha. I inspected certain mouses, while Oli told me that that mouse is my type, and oh that mouse will look good with your laptop. Jeez! Haha I just want a mouse that works perfectly with my laptop, no need too fanciful haha!

Was in a big dilema about some of the mouses I spotted. Sharon asked me over to another store that she and Rod had been in. She motioned me to inspect some of the mouses she found. "Oh this is nice!" I mentioned, but I was still in a dilema, about what now? $$Budget$$ I could only spare enough cash for a mouse below ten bucks. So I took a $9.50 mouse from the shelf and bought it. And so far, its working as much as I want it to. =)

Oli, Furt and I headed over to the arcade in Bugis Junction while Rod and Sharon decided to grab some food since Sharon hadn't eaten lunch. Played drummania as usual, but sadly the bass pedal wasn't working well. So I wasted my first credit, but played a second time with auto-bass. Haha! Oli so pro, played with the bass even though it was spoilt.

Then afterthat I really did not know what the hell happened. We took a seat at the marble seats outside kinokuniya, and my chest started hurting like hell. I bent over abit, not letting the rest see me in pain but rather think I'm sleeping. (Oh well, at least now you all know. =/ ) I tried to withstand the pain, which was effective for a short period. The pain felt like a great lot of weight was pressed onto my chest, and when I tried to breathe in, I felt my lungs were going to explode due to too much pressure acting on it. It hurt so much that I nearly started tearing. ='(

I tugged at Rod's sleeve, motioning him to help me, which he did. He got me to sit up straight, breathe in and out, take a walk around, and of all things! Get a medical checkup. -_-" I ain't needing no medical checkup. Oli and Furt, a little oblivious to what was happening headed to the ticketing office to see if we could get tickets to watch Shrek 3. 'Maybe I need some food.' I told myself. So we headed down, and yum yum! Good ol' Old Chang Kee Curry Puffs did the job once more! Haha. Delicious!

Matthew met up with us for dinner at Bugis, and so we went to Kopitiam. After dinner, Rod and Sharon decided to take the train to Dhoby Ghaut and take a bus from there. Oli, Furt, Matthew and I decided to take a bus from Bugis home. And somehow it turns out that we decided to drop off at Katong to enjoy about a hour of zion...(jeez...haha)

When we dropped off the bus, I jumped off the bus and my bag sling with my laptop inside the bag hit me on the chest, which apparently caused my whole chest to hurt once again. This time it got worse as the pain was so unbearable that I had to ask Furt to support me as we walked. I stumbled for a bit, but nevertheless I managed to regain my balance and walk on my own. The stairs to zion got difficult as I climbed, but with Oli holding my bag and Furt watching my movements, I was at ease while climbing.

(This is getting a little long-winded don't you think? Haha!)

Skipping to end of the story...

I missed my bus-stop even though Oli had woken me up just when the bus reached. I was tired and fatigue generated from withstanding the pain made it worse. I could barely recognise the surroundings. I decided to drop off at Tanah Merah interchange and walk down Bedok South Ave 3 home, and grab a good ol' packet of beef fried rice along the way.

Guess that'll be all for this post. And don't worry, after a good rest, my chest doesn't hurt anymore.

Ciao!

o_O

2007-06-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

I never knew I look so...so happy in this picture. Don't you think so? Haha!

Bored, stayed at home the whole day, studying my engineering fundamentals, and played a little to keep my mind off studies. Hate to be stressed out with boolean's algebra, de mogran's theorem blah blah blah.

Sigh, I shall go and sleep, and pray I'll do better than expected for my engineering fundamentals term test tomorrow. =D

Ciao!!

I was and always have been wrong

2007-06-04T19:50:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry for the times that I've let you down, sorry for the times I've caused anger in everyone, sorry for making everyone upset because I was feeling upset, sorry for acting in ways that seemed inappropiate, sorry for doubting everyone including myself, sorry for my foolishness and selfishness, sorry for making it seem that problems I had always seemed to happen because of you but never was and, sorry for anything and everything.

I headed down to Bugis today with one of my classmates after our Engineering Maths term test. We were bored and we decided to enjoy a long but otherwise enjoyable bus ride from school to Bugis. We were so bored that we practically didn't know what to do once we reached Bugis. I mentioned that I wanted to grab some food and head home, and I did. Or rather, we did. Some good ol' Old Chang Kee curry puffs did the job. Yum Yum! Hehe!

We reached the bus stop and waited for our buses, and I forgot to mentioned that we were talking to each other, about the maths paper, about school, about problems at home. But they were shared so that we could help each other in any way possible.

When my classmate boarded a 80 to go home, a elderly man walked up to me and asked me if I would like to join a Bible Correspondence Course, with a yellow card in his hand which he motioned me to take. He also mentioned about the 9-11 crisis, which apparently a prophet 100 years ago predicted that it would happen. It striked me that I haven't confronted God once during this period of problems which I have been going through.

Though my faith as a catholic remained, I disregarded it and didn't pray to God. And I realised that I shouldn't take everything in life for granted, and how I should cherish everyone; family, friends etc.

When I boarded a 12 home, I found that the long lonely trip home was the most company I had ever had in my life. I reflected about everything I did and said, and I've never felt so much regret before, so much...remorse and anguish for what I've done. As the song Valentine's Day by Linkin Park resonated through my head, the lyrics striked me not once, but many times. "I used to be my own protection, but not now. Cause my path has lost direction, somehow." "So now you're gone, and I was wrong. I never knew what it was like, to be alone..."

Maybe I need a little more time, to reflect, to let things uneasy within me to settle down. I'll pray, for myself, for everyone, and to you, the one reading this right now. I'll pray that I'll have the guidance from God and that I'll find the courage within myself to face up to my wrongdoings, to face up to reality. I will never forget the good times, but I'll throw away all the bad times, and from there I will build a foundation where I will be able to grow, not just maturely but spiritually and physcologically.

A burden I have carried, a mistake I have made, a fate I must accept, a path I have chosen, and a disease I must cure.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

On Spirit's Wings

2007-06-04T00:20:00.000+08:00

As time passed, everything around me changed. From friends, to family, to the environment etc. That would be something I will have to face up to: Reality.

On spirit's wings, I slowly glided down to earth and I got used to the surroundings and I regained my composure. As I got my footing and balance, I moved to one corner, and from a third person's perspective, I came to realise that everything became so lonely, when I made a huge mistake, doubting not only my friends, but myself. I got smacked full force in the face with problems that arose along the way, and I took the problem off my chest and threw it away as far as possible.

But thankfully, the friends who I have doubted never doubted me. They guided me, helped me, protected me. But I fail to realise it, only when everything fell apart did I realise how selfish I am. Sounds familiar eh? Yeah I know...

BOO! HAHA! I was just kidding! No more emotional blog posts!! At least not too emotional eh? I still have to have a place to reveal my flower vocabulary to don't you think? Haha alright I shall end this post for now. GOTTA MUG FOR ENGINEERING MATHS!! and Engineering Fundamentals too. GAH term test is finally here!

At least I've got something to keep my spirits up: I've been topping the class for most, or rather, all the quizzes. xD (Oli wants to kill me for this... =P )

But oh heck, I screwed up java. Stupid public static void main(String[]args), System.out.println("I HATE JAVA!");

Erm...Yeah haha! KKAE GOT TO GO! CIAO!

p.s. Thanks guys and gals for always being there for me, for always helping me, you guys rock!

Restart anew...

2007-06-03T22:39:00.001+08:00

Well, it has been some time since I blogged, and I guess the time in between then when I stopped till now has been the best time out ever, though problems came in one by one but were solved one by one as they came.

Only now then I've come to realise how easily friendships can break apart, and how it depends on each and every person to make the foundation of the friendship and how it will stand firmly.

Well that's not the main idea of this post isn't it? Just a few words before I do start blogging normally again : I will change the way I write my posts, as I've realised that my emo posts have too much flowery language, and it did cause some people to hurt because of the way my posts in some way or another affected them. But I will promise and will do my best to make every post happy. Okay? ^-^

Jeremiah signing off...for now.

Stopped...For some time

2007-05-16T22:45:00.000+08:00

I've come to a conclusion that many of my problems may have been caused because I started blogging and relaying all my thoughts, all my feelings, all my emotions on this blog. And I may have caused misunderstandings, disputes because of the underlying meaning within each blog post. I know whatever I post is always so emotional. Its not because I want to, but maybe because I have to.

For me, a blog is a space where one can rant out problems to friends, or anyone who comes across the blog. But I guess I need to stop blogging for awhile. For good? I hope not. I just don't want my feelings and my emotions to affect my friends and the people around me. And hopefully, everything will clear up, and I won't be so emotional when I start updating this blog in the time to come.

From here on, this blog will become frozen. I'm going to randomly type a password, which I won't consult the password recovery system until the time seems perfect.

This is Darryl Jeremiah Leong, signing off.

Please note...

2007-05-15T23:50:00.000+08:00

Before any more posts are put up on this blog, I'd like to clear all misunderstandings. NONE, I repeat, NONE of my blog posts refer to anyone unless I ever do say inside the post that it does.
If you think any of the posts do, you have made a big mistake. Because there is absolutely no intention lying within any of the posts to refer to anyone unless I point them out.

The main intention inside each and every one of these blog posts is a message to anyone who reads it. It doesn't have to mean I'm angry or sad or disappointed at someone just because I say 'you', 'he', 'she', 'them'. These posts are only meant for me to explain to everyone what I feel inside, not because this blog is meant for me to use as an avenue to gossip, to insult or to make fun of anyone.

You don't know me at all...

2007-05-13T22:21:00.000+08:00

You don't even know me, know my emotions, know if I'm pissed or not. And when I get pissed you say the whole world is against me. Go ahead and blame whatever I'm doing. Blame the computer when I play it and get pissed because I have to stop. Blame my friends who you think are only there to ruin my life.

My life is already full of problems, and yet even though I want to solve them, get rid of them, more problems arise. I always imagined how life would be so much more peaceful, so much more happier if I didn't take that path. But this is how it is. I'll have to face what I've done myself, to put to rest whatever you have, I have thought of myself when I first fell into the abyss.

I took the road to pain, to a sad life. Alone. But I came across a small little town at the crossroads, and there I met friends who will always be there for me. I continued my life, meeting road blocks, obstacles, pot-holes. And everytime I had difficulty removing an obstacle, or if I fell into a pot-hole, my great friends were always there to help me. And I never cherished their help, their friendship until the time where I nearly lost it all. Only then did I realise that my friends always wanted the best for me, and I always doubted them, making them angry, making them cry all because I wanted to keep myself happy.

I'd really wished all this would end. All this pain, all the sadness within me. And you would ask me, "Why do you always get yourself into trouble?" Words alone are not enough to describe why I go through this. Maybe its that feeling of wanting to replace losing time, losing a close relationship, losing everything because I turned left and followed that road instead of taking a right turn, to a path of happiness, to a path of a problem-less life.

This is all so confusing. I'll end the post here.

Put to rest, what you thought of me. While I clean this slate, with the hands of uncertainty. - Linkin Park

So let mercy come...

2007-05-12T22:55:00.000+08:00

I feel like crying right now.

Because I'm sad and in pain. Sad from what I hoped won't be true and in pain with the path that I have taken ever since the end of the major exams last year. I've lost too much time to pick up the pieces, the pieces of the memories I have cherished. I have caused anger and pain to my closest friends that I have doubted. And oh how I wished I can face up to myself, to erase everything I've done, everything I've become.

But what is the use? The damage has been done. Nothing will ever restore the friendship that I have forsaken because I chose the path to loneliness, to foolishness, to selfishness. I have lost it all. And I won't be able to forgive myself for what I've done, what I now wished I had not done.

I've lost everything I've cherished.

With a drop of tear rolling down my cheek, I'll finish off the post here.

What I've Done

2007-05-09T02:00:00.000+08:00

~Lyrics of the day~
Song: What I've Done
Artist: Linkin Park
Album: Minutes to Midnight

In this farewell,
There’s no blood,
There’s no alibi.
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret,
From the truth,
Of a thousand lies.

So let mercy come,
And wash away…

What I’ve Done.
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done.

Put to rest,
What you thought of me.
While I clean this slate,
With the hands,
Of uncertainty.

So let mercy come,
And wash away…

What I’ve Done.
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done.

For What I’ve Done
I'll start again,
And whatever pain may come.
Today this ends,
I’m forgiving what I’ve done.

I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done.
What I’ve done.

Forgiveness...

2007-05-04T16:33:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry if I may have caused anyone to get pissed because of my current state. And I'm sorry for getting angry at you when you brought up the past.

I just wasn't really taking any thought to your feelings or your thoughts. And it was only human of you to relate to something that has happened to make me realise something.

I'm sorry. Don't let this bring us further apart anymore.

Do you even care?

2007-05-03T00:59:00.000+08:00

Target Audience of this post: To anyone whom it may deem related to. I'm not going to name any names.

Sometimes I think a few people are too much. They just want to kick me out of my place in life, leaving me to rot in one secluded corner. As I recalled the recent events that took place, I realised it would make no difference to what I am facing right now. I'm still left out of the fun, unless I enquire about it. I'm still the guy who never seems to be happy when he's alone. (Well, who wouldn't?) I'm still a nobody to some people...

Tell me honestly. Do you care if I should transfer school without telling you and you never found out? Only to realise that I have been gone for days? Weeks? Months? Would you still care? Do you even give a thought if I should migrate to another country? Or worse comes to worse; I end up in hospital with a broken leg or with any fatal diesease? And if I only had a few hours left to live would you only realise how selfish you have been? How foolish and black your heart is?

I don't really care anymore. You can go ahead and ignore me, make fun of me or whatever you deem perfect to make me feel left out. I won't give a fuck if you don't even look at me in the eye and tell me that you care.

To my clique, read through this and see if anything goes into your heads. This has nothing to do with you peeps. I'm just pissed at the other people who you peeps may not know or not.

I don't care. Just shut the fuck up, will ya? You've gotten me more pissed than ever. More pissed than I'll ever be to anyone else. You ruined my life, my faith in you.

That's all for this post.

If you really care...

2007-05-02T15:28:00.000+08:00

This does not refer to anyone.

If you really care about my situation, then don't just say you do but your actions and your body language says you don't.

What ever happened to the way I have treated you in return to how you have treated me?

If you didn't love me...

2007-04-26T22:56:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry guys and gals for making you all worried about me, about what I am going through in my current situation right now. I know I want to let go, to forget about everything I have kept inside me. But you know, everyone knows how hard it is to let go, how difficult it is to forget about everything that matters to oneself, especially if its close to one's heart.

How do I feel right now? I feel as if a knife has pierced through my heart. I feel as if a bullet has just been fired through my head. I can honestly tell you all, that I have nothing left, only my friends and family to keep me up on my feet. Nothing else will support me. And if I should be alone without the company of my friends, I won't know how to remain standing. I have become too reliant on other people, to take sympathy on me, to make me feel happy. I have tried means and ways to keep myself happy, to prevent myself from losing my humanity.

I have always looked forward to going to Temasek Polytechnic together with my closest friends. Like this, I know we will never lose contact. But most of the times, I feel left out, when theres small little gatherings in between tutorials or lectures that I never knew of, but only by means of accidentally finding out. I try to keep my smile, my composure at its best. But sometimes the pressure over-exceeds the limit and my happiness level just drops to a complete zero, maybe even to a negative value.

Who can honestly tell me its easy to let go of someone special in your life? No one can right? That is something I have got to endure, endure and hope for a speedy process. I have absolutely lost faith in myself, my friends, everyone. My closest friends have helped me, but I have never helped myself. And thats the only reason why I am being "left out", apparently so that I'll learn, so that I'll realise how impatient, how selfish I have been. I have changed before, but is this the new me? Emotional, desperate, moody, impatient, uncaring.

I could say its just my pursuit of love, but people think that I have to move on. Eventually I have to, people say. Eventually is such a harsh word to me, because its so hard to move on, so hard to let go, so hard to say "I love you" then turn away from it.

As the song, If You Didn't Love Me by Corrinne May depicts, if you didn't love me, nothing in this world would matter. All I want to do now is cry my heart out in your arms, so that I will not think about it anymore, and that we will revert back to what we have and always will be; Great Friends, if not Best Friends.

Why the fuck did I do it?

2007-04-25T18:58:00.000+08:00

Why the fuck did I go and do it? Why did I have to go and kill myself, kill my life, kill everything I cherished; friends, family. Why did I take out my handphone and call her? I had given up everything and anything for her, to the point where I wanted to give, or in other words buy for her a PSP she so dearly wanted. My friend beat me to it, and I was left in sorrow, torn apart by the fact that I won't be able to make her happy, and make myself happy because I have done what I wanted to do ever since she complained about me getting a PSP.

She picks up the phone, and we start talking. I had accompanied her to Bedok Interchange where I thought I would have taken a bus home. But as I left the scene I had made, my eyes started to swell with tears. I wanted to accompany her to her block's void deck. She asked me why was I doing this for? I did not answer that question, only to find myself giving her a sad and discontented face. I turned and walked away. I should not have done that. I should have taken the bus home from the interchange. But NO! I wanted to walk her home, purpose to make sure she got back safely and to...

"...just want to spend a little time with you." I had replied to her question on the phone. And that's when everything I had put on my shoulders, everything I am just fell to the ground.

"We have to take a time out. Its for your good if not everyone around will be affected." She had told me. Though this would be a time out, it wouldn't mean I would not be able to be her friend. I cried, because I didn't want that feeling of being loved and loving someone to disappear, someone who I have always cherished from the start, someone who in my life had made the biggest impact out of all the girls I have ever grown an affection to.

Everytime she and I and the rest of our friends meet up, I feel as if I am a nobody to her. At least she comes over to me and talks to me, making sure I am happy. I cherish those moments she talks to me. But I realised that she is always happy with her friends, cracking jokes, laughing, smiling. When it comes to me alone with her, you could say its occasional that we crack jokes and laugh and smile. And thats one thing I hate about myself.

I am so sorry I broke my promise about it and have told everyone about it here in this blog post. You are the only one who has given me hope besides my family members. I have come to know that you by far are the only one I am able to communicate comfortably and to the point where I share problems about us to you. And it never seems you fail to solve them, and keep me happy. I'm not going to dwell over this. I just do not want to let go.

A Recap of My Love Life

2007-04-14T03:37:00.000+08:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and weeks. Even as much as I do not want to , I would like to share with you all, my love life about how it began and how I have coped with the consequences and difficulties going through them. (Note: I do not want to point out names because I do not want those people to come after me when I reveal if, anything I have in mind about them.)

This is how it all began:
I have always been the type of person who when young, took every opportunity to avoid girls, as would most other guys do. I admit I was indeed timid every time I approached them.

However, the first time I actually started liking a girl was when a particular person I came to know of from my church choir. She was a sweet girl who I admired a lot. She always had a smile on her face and somehow or another, I felt comfortable approaching her. Every week, I would get anxious when Saturday approaches as I would be able to meet her during choir for our normal Saturday sunset mass. We spent a lot of time, talking, cracking jokes, playing pool etc. I enjoyed every moment I spent with her. Before I knew it, I had grown a feeling of infatuation towards her. I kept thinking about her, wishing how my life would be so perfect with her. I was too selfish then. I persisted on trying to be with her, even though I had a failed attempt. However, the second time did the finishing blow. I could not bear the suffering and emotional breakdown I was facing then. It was not fatal to the least, since it was an infatuation. I decided to, move on.

My love life soon grew very quiet. I had changed my mindset towards girls. I realised how emotionally fragile but yet, strong they are. In my point of view, the girls always seem to have the upper hand over the guys. Most decisions in a relationship goes towards the female counterpart. I know what that felt like.

During the months between 12 February 2005 and early November 2005, another girl came into my life. This time, I decided to take it slow, give time for my feelings to settle, give time for my heart to heal from the recent ordeal. I came to know of this girl through the tuition class I was having. I must admit; I had grew an affection for her ever since she introduced herself to me during class. She was funny and I would enjoy spending time with her during tuition class. During the months, we spent most of our time talking on the phone, asking each other things, exchanging secrets. I enjoyed every moment of it. In the week of 20th November 2005, she told me she loved me, or in other words liked me. I was surprised as I had the same feelings toward her. The candle of love in my life had rekindled. I felt happy beyond words. I went around telling my family, my friends of what had happened. I must say I was so happy and naive that I did not think of the consequences if anything should go wrong.

3 months past. School restarted as per normal. But we hanged out with each other a lot as usual. Momentarily, I felt our relationship was growing better. But something happened that send me heading into the dark abyss below my feet. She had told me that examinations would come our way eventually, and thus, affecting our time together. She initiated the break up and I was left on my knees, pleading for a miracle, pleading for a reason, pleading for hope, to stand up by myself. I became useless, faithless. I did not pray to God. I had lost faith in myself, everyone around me and strikingly, God. I cried myself to sleep every night, wishing how and why this had happened. Have I been a good boyfriend to her? I had tried my best to be everything for her, everything that she wanted. I had most probably failed, and I did not want to dangle around about it. Days past, and friends soon got to know of my plight. My whole class started to mock me, laugh at me, call her name out to me just to insult me, make me feel sad. I isolated myself to my own secluded corner, feeling dazed and angry. Facts about why she had initiated the break up came to my attention. She had lied to me. But I realised that if she had told me straight in my face the real reason, my breaking down that I had suffered would have been nothing compared to the one she would have given me if she did not lie. I misjudged my best friend, the only one who had given me a reason to continue on with my life, for he consoled me, if not made me feel happy. I judged him wrongly, to the point where I nearly did not give any thought to him. Day by day past, and I could not get out of the abyss I had fallen into. Just when everything seemed to be going for the worse, I completely closed my life, to the point where I did not talk to her anymore. I decided to...once again, move on.

The first person I told of my plight was my best friend in school. At that point of time, he did not know anything. So I hung up on him. I decided to call another friend of mine, a girl from my church choir, who has always been there to consult me about any problems I have and to make sure I was never sad. That night, as I cried talking to her on the phone, she did her best to keep me happy, to give me a reason to not to lose my humanity just because I have lost someone close to my heart. This was to be my second lesson of love in my life; never take anything for granted, especially love. And always expect the unexpected.

I had suffered another blow and once again, my heart has been shattered to a million pieces, unable to be repaired by anyone regardless of how much help and love I will be given. This apparently was a figure of speech, as soon I managed to get back to my feet with the help and guidance of the girl from my choir. And before I knew, being the ever-so-looking-for-love guy I always am, I grew an affection for her. As expected, I was turned down. She had told me that she liked someone else, and that she and I have been more like siblings. I was and always have been stubborn, and I pursued. People have told me; as long as that special person in your life does not have a wedding or engagement ring around her finger, you have all the chance. I agreed with that sentence. The pursue for love continued for a few months, taking a burden on me every time I try to come face to face with her. Soon, the feeling died off. I did not want to interfere with her love life anymore, seeing that she came with her boyfriend one day for mass.

My heart ached, and I thought: Why do I want to find that special someone in my life? The answer came to me in the form of a dream. I had dream of a girl standing next to me, holding my hand, leaning her head on my shoulder. And as she comes to stand in front of me, she puts her arms out, embracing me, giving me a warm hug. And as if another dream in the dream, she would bring her lips to mine. It was nothing much of the kiss or the hug. The answer in the dream was the warmth of heart that the other person gave, the affection and the feeling of loving someone and being loved.

I cried and wondered, why does life have to be so unfair? Why do people have to suffer? Why do people have to suffer just to love and be loved back? Why can't people give a thought to the feelings of someone who they have ignored, hated, rejected? I do not want to be selfish in anything that I am typing now.

But I already have told you most of my story, and I have not decided if I should continue, for I do not want the past to repeat itself, the thing that has been happening since the start of this year, since the conclusion of my previous rejection, my previous breakdown.

I will give thought to the people I may or have hurt from what I have said. If I have, I am very sorry.

This is all for this post. Thank you for reading.

Live to Fear, Fear to Live

2007-04-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

This is a post to the general public. It does not have to refer to anyone. It is just my own intention to say it out.

I hate it when people discriminate others, just because they think they are so much better. What in the world makes you think you are better than anyone? What makes you think you have the right to discriminate others? Look at yourself and tell me. Nothing right? I know. Because I was in the same situation as you, as the person you see on the road, as the people who once used to walk around with us on this earth.

Why bother to tell other people off? Because you THINK you are better? Or because you just want to make that person feel bad? Make him feel unwanted? Make him feel useless and hopeless? I have been put in that situation many times. I have felt left out, useless, ashamed of whatever people mocked me about. I sit in my chair everyday, wishing how life would be better if it were not for the people who discriminate.

Though I admit I used to like to discriminate other people, I will do it to a certain point. Some people are just too much. They laugh. They mock. They have no regrets. And yet they continue, thinking once again that they are better than everyone else. People give each other the stare, as if they are outrightly more powerful.

I have been ignored, pushed to one corner, made fun of, left out in the dark. I would like to join in the laughter. But everyone has a limited amount of pride, a limited amount of humour that they can handle. Sometimes jokes are funny, even though the jokes mock you. But when it continues on for awhile, anyone including me, would definately get frustrated and humiliated. I admit I am sensitive to a lot of jokes. It is not because I do not like being made fun of, sometimes it justs gets too much for me. At points of time like that, I would just walk away, pretending I am handling the joke, pretending that everything is fine. I hate to pretend, to lie about my feelings, to fake that I am fine.

But NO. I have to pretend for the sake of everyones jokes, everyones entertainment. I have promised to change from the selfish and foolish person I have been. But will you? Will you at least care more about other people's feelings? About my feelings?

I have changed my attitude towards people, towards ideaologies, towards interests. I have doubted people, but I have changed. I do not want to lie, I'm telling the truth. If you think I have not just because you want to say I have not, then let it be. Only He will know who is telling the truth. Only He will put the one at fault to the test.

I do not want to say anymore. I have suffered enough humiliation. You continue the story for me.

Unworthy Deliverence

2007-04-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

As we gather together in prayer and reflection, let us spend some quiet time with Christ and recall His Passion and His love for us.

I still see Christ in my mind… all alone in the Garden of Gethsamane that night… My Saviour was on bended knees, with blood like sweat upon his brows, the shroud of death surrounding Him… My Lord, He prayed for strength to fulfil His Father’s plan. Christ could have walked away from it all…yet He chose to stay, to suffer the pain… the agony… the humiliation… But why did He have to suffer this way?

I remember His glorious entry into Jerusalem. He looked like a King… my King. He did not wave nor smile at the crowd. He had His head bowed low as if He was bearing all the worries, the lies and the pain of the world. I could see how all our sins and shame were weighing Him down. I see Him struggling under the load, I see the pain He endured… Perhaps He heard how we were cheering Him on. Cheering for His death… His Crucifixion…

Yes, my Jesus chose to walk that road out of His love for you and me. It was a painful sight to see. Him bearing all the misery and the suffering… Alone. I could only watch as He stumbled and fell, thirst and bled… for us. He was beaten, tortured, spat upon and humiliated by the soldiers and many in the crowd.

Was there no other way to show His love for me? Is my life worth so much that He had to endure all the suffering, the accusations, insults and torment? … I do NOT deserve it. I really don’t.

I remember how Jesus persevered, picking himself up each time He fell, stumbling beneath the weight of the cross... the WEIGHT of our SINS. Yet He continued…

I remember how Jesus was laid on the cross… the nails… the torment… the REJECTION. Yet He continued…

He paid the ultimate price by dying on the cross. The price of my sins and for all the good I failed to do…

I feel the pain He endured… I hear His scream each time the rusty nail pierced straight through His flesh. They stabbed him in the side…

He suffered in silence… no words of hatred came from His lips… He did not want vengeance. He did not want justice… all He wanted was for God to show us love and compassion.

Christ died to show the world the measure of His great love... Christ died for me… and yet…. I continue to sin and to turn my back to His teachings and His calling.

Am I forgiven for all my wrongdoings? If I really am forgiven…why then do I still fear acknowledging Jesus in those around me? Why am I so afraid to be the reflection of whom I truly am inside?

Am I worthy of your great love, Jesus? Am I worthy of your deliverance?

God continues to reach out to each one of us and implores us to repent. His outstretched arms are still waiting for us… God loves us even though we continue to crucify His Son, Jesus Christ.

We scourge Him with our sins. We nail Him with our hatred. We mock Him with our ignorance. Each time we do not do what God wills… we crucify Christ all over again.

We crucify Him each time we chase after material happiness, disregarding our Christian virtues.
We crucify Him each time we ignore the less fortunate.
Each time we neglect our family and loved ones… we crucify Him.

We nail Him each time we fail to help others in need.
We nail him each time we fail to fight for the oppressed.
When we fail to love others, we drive another nail into His hands.

Christ died for us… but was it all in vain? He gave each of us a mission to fulfil… but have we ignored His calling and His teachings? Have we forgotten our mission as Christians?

What happens after we leave this church and continue with our lives in the world we live in? Do we remember Christ then?

Are we worthy of His Deliverance??

This was taken from the script of the lenten vigil session from 10pm to 11pm today. Whoever that has read this post please ponder over it. Thanks.

Be Not Afraid

2007-03-31T23:01:00.000+08:00

I just came back from Lenten Vigil practice with my choir. I was touched by a few songs we practiced today. Since today was our last practice we sang the whole proper, which is a total of eight songs. The songs are:
Via Dolorosa,
Willingly,
Above All,
Prodigal Son,
Be Not Afraid,
He Will Carry You,
Were You There, and
Take Up Your Cross.

The choir of Genesis 2 of Holy Family Church will be singing for the 10pm service of Maundy Thursday as part of Lenten Vigil. Please do join us in the Garden of Gethsemane as we keep watch from 10pm to 11pm.

Back to the main topic. I've have been touched the most by one particular song, which is Be Not Afraid. After we started singing the third verse, I was amazed at the lyrics in the third verse. This is how it goes:

Blessed are the poor, for the kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you who weep and mourn, for one day you shall laugh.
And if wicked tongues insult and hate you all because of me.
Blessed, blessed are you.

It has struck me as it relates a lot to me and those who I know. I would like everyone who has read this post to just think about it. I shall end off with another song, He Will Carry You, as I write down the lyrics.

~He Will Carry You~
There is no problem too big, God cannot solve it.
There is no mountain too tall, He cannot move it.
There is no storm too dark, God cannot calm it.
There is no sorrow too deep, He cannot soothe it.

If He carried the weight of the world, upon his shoulders.
I know my brother that He will carry you.
If He carried the weight of the world, upon his shoulders.
I know my sister that He will carry you.

He said come unto me.
All who are weary.
And I will give you rest.

There is no problem too big, God cannot solve it.
There is no mountain too tall, He cannot move it.
There is no storm too dark, God cannot calm it.
There is no sorrow too deep, He cannot soothe it.

If He carried the weight of the world, upon his shoulders.
I know my brother that He will carry you.
If He carried the weight of the world, upon his shoulders.
I know my sister that He will carry you.

See the colours of the rainbow. See the images of love. Hear the music when the wind blows. Hear the angels up above. In the beauty of a new day. In the joy of every spring. Can you see God, can you see Him? Can you hear God, can you hear Him? Can you see God, can you see Him? Can you see God in everything? -Can You See God by Chris de Silva

End of my life in WoW~

2007-03-21T21:27:00.000+08:00

This post is dedicated to all my World of Warcraft buddies and guildies. I have decided to stop playing. For good? I won't know, only time will tell.

Remember the times we had together? Questing, chatting, doing loads of stuff what so ever? I'll miss those times. But I have lost many friends because of my addiction to the game. I have lost time to socialise with my friends who are dear to me. I do not want any more of this. I do not want to lose my friends, my humanity just because I'm stuck in front of my computer the whole day, playing the time away without giving any spare thought to my friends, family etc.

This is the forum thread that I posted today on my guild website;

--Just recently my WoW prepaid time ended, and from then I still haven't gotten another card to top up the time. After some thought, I decided that I won't get another card, maybe not now, maybe not ever.

Ever since I started playing WoW after my major exams, I admit that I was addicted to it. As a result, I have lost friends, lost time to socialise with the people I knew dearly. I have missed meals, sleep(as a result of playing in a server from the other side of the world). I can't take the pain anymore.

So Ridge Runners, it has been great being with you guys. I loved every minute we had together, be it questing, talking or what so ever. Just like Sunderhorn, I requested the guild recruitment channel for a guild. I recieved a tell from Spidermouse, asking me if I was interested in joining Ridge Runners. I happily agreed, not knowing that the guild almost turned out to be another family of mine.

But I'm so sorry that I have to leave this family. I have too many things to take care of now, too many things that I need to patch up. So I won't be coming back to WoW for maybe a year or two. Maybe never. I don't wish to screw up my life again.

Thanks once again Ridge Runners. This is Allthuros, signing out.

Ciao!!

(I'll be visiting the guild webbie still and going onto vent to if possible, talk to you guys, to let you all know I'm still here for you all.) --

Yeah, thats what I wrote. Ridge Runners is the name of the guild if you didn't realise. I'll miss everything, but its just a game. My real life, my real friends, my dearest friends are much more important to me.

This is all for this post. Ciao!

I can't breathe...

2007-03-20T13:42:00.000+08:00

This is a post to my clique, to everyone I've caused anger or hate or what so ever. I'm sorry beyond words, for I did not realise what I have become until someone told me about it, harshly so as to get it into my fu*king head.

I've finally realised what a selfish and foolish person I have become. I hate myself. Okay? You get it? I fu*king hate myself for everything that I have caused. Everything that I have become. I didn't realise whos fault it was actually until I saw it from another person's point of view. And I must admit; I do not like every part of me.

If I could, I would have taken a pistol and placed a bullet through my head. But I don't want that. My friends don't want that. Even though I'm a useless, selfish and proud, I know I'm not worth it. Since the start of this post, I have been tearing, angry at myself, angry with the stupid game that nearly cost me my friends. I wish all this would not have happened. I wish I could be the person you all think I am capable of, the person you all want me to be, the person who I am not currently. I have caused too much burden in everyone's life.

I have gotten angry over minor things, agitated over friends who I have accused of wrongly. I want to throw every grudge I had against any one of you. I'm so sorry for all I have become. I don't want to lose you all. You all have been always there for me, accepting me for who I am, for who I've become. I did not realise it. I did not take into consideration your acceptance.

I only have one favour to ask of you for now. The favour would be to leave me alone as I lay on my bed, crying my heart out, crying my corrupted, selfish and foolish heart out. I want to change. But I need time. And I need your guidance, your support and your forgiveness. I need you to stand by me as I change, and grow up from the useless self I have been. I need you to stand by me for if I should fall, I know you will be there to carry me back up to my own feet. And most importantly, I need your motivation, your love, to keep me standing by myself, to prevent me from losing my humanity.

I hate myself for making you tell me whatever you have told me. But I think that was the only way that I can change, the only way I can see what a true friend you are.

I have a lot more I have yet to say, but I shall leave the post as it is for now. I don't want to start breaking down all over again.

Don't ever leave me behind and alone. For if I should falter, I won't know where to continue. -Darryl

What is wrong with this world?

2007-03-12T20:09:00.000+08:00

This is not really going to be a blog post. This will just be an avenue for me to reveal my emotions and feelings to everyone reading this blog for the past four days or so;

I have been left out in the dark many times, scourged by untrustful friends, mocked by their laughter, adored only to be scorned after. I have trusted many of you with my life, and I get humiliated in return, besides the few who care a lot more. If I'm lucky enough, I get returned the favour.

I've looked back on the past few days and weeks we have been spending together. I realised those were the only times we spent together so closely, so happily, so faithfully. Everytime I met you a big smile would appear on my face, because this life would never be the same without your kindness, your laughter, your friendship. You have always been there for me, making sure I was happy, always putting a smile on my face. I admire you for everything that you are.

Just a few days ago, someone got me damn pissed off because of his lack of responsibility to notify me properly about a certain movie outing. That was when everything we had, started to crumble. I always looked up to you, and this is what you do to me. Ignore me, leave me out in the dark like I used to be. How ironic isn't it?

I'm saying all this not because I hate you, not because I want to mock you, not because I want revenge or set up some vendetta with you. I just want you to know how I feel inside, how deeply hurt I am, how sad I am feeling right now, how I just want to cry my heart out. I don't want our close friendship to end. Not now, not ever. I hate myself for telling everyone who is reading this blog now how I feel right now, how I have been feeling these past few days. I can't bear the pain, the anguish, the sorrow. I can't fight in this world alone without your friendship. I can't go on like this, feeling this way whenever things don't go the way its supposed to be. I just can't...pick up the baton and continue the race.

The next thing I know after you all have read this post, is to message me something either through phone or on MSN messanger. Be it either comforting, or being speechless, I have no doubt. But if you dearly wish to give up some time to talk to me, to console me, to sort out things with me, I'm all ears. But for now, I'll just sit here in my seat, wishing everything be what it was just five days ago.

Living every moment of your life is meaningful. So why not make it more meaningful by spending every moment of it with someone else you love. -Darryl

Letters From Iwo Jima

2007-03-11T11:59:00.000+08:00

Wow! I just came back from watching Letters From Iwo Jima with my parents. I can assure you one thing; It is the most meaningful World War II movie. You know usually most WWII movies come from the american point of view? This movie however comes from the Jap's point of view.

Summarised details of the movie:

The movie tells the story of a Japanese soldier, Kazunari Ninomiya acting as Saigo. He was a baker together with his wife, who before the war was pragnent. And when the war came, Saigo was posted to help defend Iwo Jima, an island near southern Japan. As it was so close to Japan, the americans would easily make use of the island for their advantage to stop Japan. (Sorry if this reminds you of your past history lessons. Haha.)

The movie goes on, showing the arrival of a smart general, Ken Watanabe acting as General Tadamichi Kuribayashi who has a lot of battlefield tactics and strategies, which the other japanese officers think its american sympathism, because Kuribayashi lived in America a couple

of years before the war.

I shan't spoil the movie by telling you everthing, go watch it for yourself. It is a great movie i assure you. I rate it 4/5. Battle scenes were awesome. Great graphics and great sound.

However there is one part that is disgusting. (For those who are scared of blood and gore, you better close your eyes during this part of the movie.)

There is one part of the movie where an officer gives a unnessasary command for his troop to kill themselves. And how do they kill themselves? They whip out a grenade, pull the pin, knock the armed grenade against their helmet, put it against their chest, shout (in jap) "For the Empire!", and await their death. When the grenade explodes, it is just horrifying. Blood and body parts fly. If they didn't show that, then they will show the remains of their body on the floor. Just DISGUSTING!! ZOMGWTFHBBQPWNAGENOOB!!

Haha alright, thats all I will talk about the movie, and maybe for this post too. xD

See you!!

Do what is right...Because it is right. -Letters from Iwo Jima

End of the terror, hopefully.

2007-02-21T23:31:00.000+08:00

Many days have passed. The golden rays of the sun cut through the thick grey clouds like razors, as a new chapter of life unfolds. The terror I've been surviving, has, hopefully ended. I have left the past behind me, brushing away the footsteps I have made and making new ones since Friday. I feel renewed.

I've finally realised life's harsh realities, life's unfair game. The days that have passed seemed like something new. She treated me more and more like a best friend, and I knew things have been patched up, now all i need is time to rebuild the close friendship we used to have.

I told her last night that I would meet her after her shift ends at the airport. But due to unforseen consequences(oversleeping), I ended up going late. However, what happened today proved to me what a good friend she is, and has always been ever since I got to know her.

Moving along the sidewalks of time, I recalled the times, the times we used to share, the times we used to enjoy laughing at each other, making jokes. I missed those times. When I looked back at what happened today, it seems that all this is starting to re-surface. I looked at her. She had a big smile on her face. I smiled back, showing my consent that I'm back to my normal self. Alas, the terror has ended, hopefully.

This is as much as I can put for this post. For the other things that happened, a simple phrase describes it; actions speak louder than words.

The individual who knows the score about life sees difficulties as opportunities. -Norman Vincent Peale

Love

2007-02-16T23:59:00.000+08:00

I woke up today, feeling drowsy and aching all over. I had cried myself to sleep the previous night, feeling useless and being hopeless. As I headed to my bathroom to brush my teeth and wash up, I looked at the reflection in the mirror in front of me. Was that really me? Have I turned completely into a monster? A ghost of the past? I looked terrible, and I had to do something about it.

I got myself changed, as in about an hours' time I had to rush down to meet up with my friends(including her) for a school friend's gig at Queen of Peace church. While in the bus, a sudden feeling came over me.

I dropped off at the bus stop at marine terrace area, and I made my way over to East Coast Park. I sat down on the beach, looking out into the horizon, thinking about all the things I have been encountering the past few weeks and days. I closed my eyes, letting myself relax, pushing away from reality as I laid down on the sand. When I opened my eyes, the azure sky greeted me. I felt relieved and I knew that I have grabbed hold of all my troubles, and threw them into the sea. I felt happy.

I recieved many phone calls from my friend, many of which I ignored. When I finally picked up my phone, I told him that I was on my way to meet up with them. In fact I lied to him, telling him I overshot the bus stop because I fell asleep on the bus. I just didn't want to tell him or anyone else what I have been doing.

Upon reaching the church, I looked out for a familiar group, but couldn't locate them. My friend came from behind me and brought me to the group, while consoling me, asking me if I felt better from the previous day's ordeal. That's when I noticed her. I thought she would have been her normal self. But at that point of time, it seemed to me that she had become someone different, occasionally hiding behind someone to cut off eye-contact with me. I knew something was wrong.

The previous day, I had told her on MSN to not blame herself, or anyone else for what I have become, because the only reason why I've become the person who I was, was because I chose it to be.

I kept a small distance from the group, the only person talking to me my best friend, who has been consoling me. After a short while, we decided to leave as we found the gig rather straining to our ears. Our group walked a long distance to a bus stop where we could flag an appropiate bus to get to Siglap. Whilst taking the long walk, my best friend and I talked about the situation I was in, trying as much as possible to make me feel better. I was indeed moved at the way he pursuaded me to accept my fate, and revert to what I have been before all this started, the good ol' Darryl.

After everyone had a good fill of drinks and desserts at Secret Recipe, it was time for most of us to go back home, including me as I was still very tired. As we made our leave from the restaurant, she came over to me and asked me if I was alright and why I have been so moody just now. I replied saying I wasn't really moody, more of feeling tired. She then pulled both my cheeks, saying "Cheer up!!". I was amused then, guessing, thinking that most probably she's back to her normal self, or maybe the way she usually acts towards me.

I sighed in relief. After realising what good friends I had, I thought to myself that I shouldn't have done what I did to my friends previously, making them worried about me. I presume its all about having faith in each other, most importantly myself. Today was the first time in a very long time, that I finally felt I had some faith in myself.

Upon reaching home, I opened a conversation room with her on MSN. We just started talking away, and I knew I have rebuilt our friendship. I cleared up a lot of unsure things I had on my shoulders, and now I feel happy that I managed to clear up my troubles, my worries, my friends' worries.

The terror I have been surviving has ended, but the aftermath of the terror has only just begun. Surviving it will be another problem that I have to face by myself and its only me that can prevent myself from breaking down again, from losing my friends, from losing my humanity. I love you all, you have been my best friends and I don't ever wish to lose you all just because I have my own interests at heart.

Loving someone shows that you care for that someone, but caring for someone shows that you love that someone. -Darryl

Faith

2007-02-15T19:45:00.000+08:00

I've ran my final race against time, my past has caught up with me. Memories of the times I had flashed across my face, bewildering me, leaving me breathless and heartbroken at the same time. I try to forget, but it seems futile. I can't forget because SHE has played a major part of my life as an individual.

I reached the MRT today in the morning, feeling drowsy and tired, due to the sleepless nights I have been having, doing some soul-searching, recollecting my thoughts. Momentarily as I boarded the train for work, I caught a glimpse of a familiar shadow. My friend? I presumed. I walked over to get a better look. She...I mean He was no one I knew. I have been hallucinating and I kept seeing things I thought and should be there. I knew the problem.

Friends tell me to forget about it, the others tell me to go for it; both having concerns for me due to my fragile heart and soul.

Forget about it so if anything should happen, you won't be left down in the dumps like you have been before.

Go for it, this may be the only chance you'll ever have and have faith in yourself.

I'm in a confused state, beckoning my ego to help me realise my fate. Is this it? Do I really have to give up all hope or do I take the appropiate action?

Getting out the door into the corridor of my workplace, I did some soul-searching, looking out of the window, wondering what is my purpose, wondering if there could be something I could have done to make it all turn for the good. I closed my eyes, as I listened to my friend's voice from my phone, consulting me about my situation, consoling me, giving me hope. I turned away. A tear rolled down my cheek, inevitably emotion taking control over me.

I pushed myself away from reality, opened the emergency staircase door, and entered. I looked down the flight of stairs, apparently thinking of doing the inevitable. But then I realised its not worth it, I'm not worth it. I let out another tear, eventually breaking down, collapsing into a heap. Faith.

I screamed, letting out my anguish, my pain, my sorrow as I gave a punch to the wall. I became senseless, too selfish about my feelings, about her feelings. I just wanted all of this to end, be it happily or sadly, just end the terror I'm facing.

If you don't learn to have faith in yourself, then you will never have faith in anyone else. -Darryl

<Darryl got out of his seat and laid on his bed, soaking his pillow with tears of sorrow.>