Friday, February 16, 2007, 11:59 PM
I woke up today, feeling drowsy and aching all over. I had cried myself to sleep the previous night, feeling useless and being hopeless. As I headed to my bathroom to brush my teeth and wash up, I looked at the reflection in the mirror in front of me. Was that really me? Have I turned completely into a monster? A ghost of the past? I looked terrible, and I had to do something about it.
I got myself changed, as in about an hours' time I had to rush down to meet up with my friends(including her) for a school friend's gig at Queen of Peace church. While in the bus, a sudden feeling came over me.
I dropped off at the bus stop at marine terrace area, and I made my way over to East Coast Park. I sat down on the beach, looking out into the horizon, thinking about all the things I have been encountering the past few weeks and days. I closed my eyes, letting myself relax, pushing away from reality as I laid down on the sand. When I opened my eyes, the azure sky greeted me. I felt relieved and I knew that I have grabbed hold of all my troubles, and threw them into the sea. I felt happy.
I recieved many phone calls from my friend, many of which I ignored. When I finally picked up my phone, I told him that I was on my way to meet up with them. In fact I lied to him, telling him I overshot the bus stop because I fell asleep on the bus. I just didn't want to tell him or anyone else what I have been doing.
Upon reaching the church, I looked out for a familiar group, but couldn't locate them. My friend came from behind me and brought me to the group, while consoling me, asking me if I felt better from the previous day's ordeal. That's when I noticed her. I thought she would have been her normal self. But at that point of time, it seemed to me that she had become someone different, occasionally hiding behind someone to cut off eye-contact with me. I knew something was wrong.
The previous day, I had told her on MSN to not blame herself, or anyone else for what I have become, because the only reason why I've become the person who I was, was because I chose it to be.
I kept a small distance from the group, the only person talking to me my best friend, who has been consoling me. After a short while, we decided to leave as we found the gig rather straining to our ears. Our group walked a long distance to a bus stop where we could flag an appropiate bus to get to Siglap. Whilst taking the long walk, my best friend and I talked about the situation I was in, trying as much as possible to make me feel better. I was indeed moved at the way he pursuaded me to accept my fate, and revert to what I have been before all this started, the good ol' Darryl.
After everyone had a good fill of drinks and desserts at Secret Recipe, it was time for most of us to go back home, including me as I was still very tired. As we made our leave from the restaurant, she came over to me and asked me if I was alright and why I have been so moody just now. I replied saying I wasn't really moody, more of feeling tired. She then pulled both my cheeks, saying "Cheer up!!". I was amused then, guessing, thinking that most probably she's back to her normal self, or maybe the way she usually acts towards me.
I sighed in relief. After realising what good friends I had, I thought to myself that I shouldn't have done what I did to my friends previously, making them worried about me. I presume its all about having faith in each other, most importantly myself. Today was the first time in a very long time, that I finally felt I had some faith in myself.
Upon reaching home, I opened a conversation room with her on MSN. We just started talking away, and I knew I have rebuilt our friendship. I cleared up a lot of unsure things I had on my shoulders, and now I feel happy that I managed to clear up my troubles, my worries, my friends' worries.
The terror I have been surviving has ended, but the aftermath of the terror has only just begun. Surviving it will be another problem that I have to face by myself and its only me that can prevent myself from breaking down again, from losing my friends, from losing my humanity. I love you all, you have been my best friends and I don't ever wish to lose you all just because I have my own interests at heart.
Loving someone shows that you care for that someone, but caring for someone shows that you love that someone. -Darryl
me
Darryl Jeremiah Leong
06 Sept 1990
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Currently Listening to
Every Breath - Boyce Avenue
Music Player
My Heart - Paramore
My Heart - Paramore
I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone
Stay with me, this is what I need, please?
Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?
I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope
This time I will be listening.
Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?
This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours
This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours
(My heart, it beats for you)
This heart, it beats, beats for only you (It beats, beats for only you)
My heart is yours (My heart is yours)
This heart, it beats, beats for only you (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart, my heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours
(Please don't go, please don't fade away)
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is...
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