Thursday, April 26, 2007, 10:56 PM
I'm sorry guys and gals for making you all worried about me, about what I am going through in my current situation right now. I know I want to let go, to forget about everything I have kept inside me. But you know, everyone knows how hard it is to let go, how difficult it is to forget about everything that matters to oneself, especially if its close to one's heart.
How do I feel right now? I feel as if a knife has pierced through my heart. I feel as if a bullet has just been fired through my head. I can honestly tell you all, that I have nothing left, only my friends and family to keep me up on my feet. Nothing else will support me. And if I should be alone without the company of my friends, I won't know how to remain standing. I have become too reliant on other people, to take sympathy on me, to make me feel happy. I have tried means and ways to keep myself happy, to prevent myself from losing my humanity.
I have always looked forward to going to Temasek Polytechnic together with my closest friends. Like this, I know we will never lose contact. But most of the times, I feel left out, when theres small little gatherings in between tutorials or lectures that I never knew of, but only by means of accidentally finding out. I try to keep my smile, my composure at its best. But sometimes the pressure over-exceeds the limit and my happiness level just drops to a complete zero, maybe even to a negative value.
Who can honestly tell me its easy to let go of someone special in your life? No one can right? That is something I have got to endure, endure and hope for a speedy process. I have absolutely lost faith in myself, my friends, everyone. My closest friends have helped me, but I have never helped myself. And thats the only reason why I am being "left out", apparently so that I'll learn, so that I'll realise how impatient, how selfish I have been. I have changed before, but is this the new me? Emotional, desperate, moody, impatient, uncaring.
I could say its just my pursuit of love, but people think that I have to move on. Eventually I have to, people say. Eventually is such a harsh word to me, because its so hard to move on, so hard to let go, so hard to say "I love you" then turn away from it.
As the song, If You Didn't Love Me by Corrinne May depicts, if you didn't love me, nothing in this world would matter. All I want to do now is cry my heart out in your arms, so that I will not think about it anymore, and that we will revert back to what we have and always will be; Great Friends, if not Best Friends.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007, 6:58 PM
Why the fuck did I go and do it? Why did I have to go and kill myself, kill my life, kill everything I cherished; friends, family. Why did I take out my handphone and call her? I had given up everything and anything for her, to the point where I wanted to give, or in other words buy for her a PSP she so dearly wanted. My friend beat me to it, and I was left in sorrow, torn apart by the fact that I won't be able to make her happy, and make myself happy because I have done what I wanted to do ever since she complained about me getting a PSP.
She picks up the phone, and we start talking. I had accompanied her to Bedok Interchange where I thought I would have taken a bus home. But as I left the scene I had made, my eyes started to swell with tears. I wanted to accompany her to her block's void deck. She asked me why was I doing this for? I did not answer that question, only to find myself giving her a sad and discontented face. I turned and walked away. I should not have done that. I should have taken the bus home from the interchange. But NO! I wanted to walk her home, purpose to make sure she got back safely and to...
"...just want to spend a little time with you." I had replied to her question on the phone. And that's when everything I had put on my shoulders, everything I am just fell to the ground.
"We have to take a time out. Its for your good if not everyone around will be affected." She had told me. Though this would be a time out, it wouldn't mean I would not be able to be her friend. I cried, because I didn't want that feeling of being loved and loving someone to disappear, someone who I have always cherished from the start, someone who in my life had made the biggest impact out of all the girls I have ever grown an affection to.
Everytime she and I and the rest of our friends meet up, I feel as if I am a nobody to her. At least she comes over to me and talks to me, making sure I am happy. I cherish those moments she talks to me. But I realised that she is always happy with her friends, cracking jokes, laughing, smiling. When it comes to me alone with her, you could say its occasional that we crack jokes and laugh and smile. And thats one thing I hate about myself.
I am so sorry I broke my promise about it and have told everyone about it here in this blog post. You are the only one who has given me hope besides my family members. I have come to know that you by far are the only one I am able to communicate comfortably and to the point where I share problems about us to you. And it never seems you fail to solve them, and keep me happy. I'm not going to dwell over this. I just do not want to let go.
Saturday, April 14, 2007, 3:37 AM
I have been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and weeks. Even as much as I do not want to , I would like to share with you all, my love life about how it began and how I have coped with the consequences and difficulties going through them. (Note: I do not want to point out names because I do not want those people to come after me when I reveal if, anything I have in mind about them.)
This is how it all began:
I have always been the type of person who when young, took every
opportunity to avoid girls, as would most other guys do. I admit I was indeed timid
every time I approached them.
However, the first time I actually started liking a girl was when a particular person I came to know of from my church choir. She was a sweet girl who I admired a lot. She always had a smile on her face and somehow or another, I felt comfortable approaching her. Every week, I would get anxious when Saturday approaches as I would be able to meet her during choir for our normal Saturday sunset mass. We spent a lot of time, talking, cracking jokes, playing pool etc. I enjoyed every moment I spent with her. Before I knew it, I had grown a feeling of
infatuation towards her. I kept thinking about her, wishing how my life would be so perfect with her. I was too selfish then. I persisted on trying to be with her, even though I had a failed attempt. However, the second time did the finishing blow. I could not bear the suffering and emotional breakdown I was facing then. It was not fatal to the least, since it was an
infatuation. I decided to, move on.
My love life soon grew very quiet. I had changed my mindset towards girls. I realised how emotionally fragile but yet, strong they are. In my point of view, the girls always seem to have the
upper hand over the guys. Most decisions in a relationship goes towards the female counterpart. I know what that felt like.
During the months between 12
February 2005 and early November 2005, another girl came into my life. This time, I decided to take it slow, give time for my feelings to settle, give time for my heart to heal from the recent ordeal. I came to know of this girl through the tuition class I was having. I must admit; I had grew an affection for her ever since she introduced herself to me during class. She was funny and I would enjoy spending time with her during tuition class. During the months, we spent most of our time talking on the phone, asking each other things, exchanging secrets. I enjoyed every moment of it. In the week of 20th November 2005, she told me she loved me, or in other words liked me. I was surprised as I had the same feelings toward her. The candle of love in my life had
rekindled. I felt happy beyond words. I went around telling my family, my friends of what had happened. I must say I was so happy and naive that I did not think of the consequences if anything should go wrong.
3 months past. School restarted as
per normal. But we hanged out with each other a lot as usual. Momentarily, I felt our relationship was growing better. But something happened that send me heading into the dark abyss below my feet. She had told me that examinations would come our way eventually, and thus, affecting our time together. She initiated the break up and I was left on my knees, pleading for a miracle, pleading for a reason, pleading for hope, to stand up by myself. I became useless, faithless. I did not pray to God. I had lost faith in myself, everyone around me and strikingly, God. I cried myself to sleep every night, wishing how and why this had happened. Have I been a good boyfriend to her? I had tried my best to be everything for her, everything that she wanted. I had most probably failed, and I did not want to dangle around about it. Days past, and friends soon got to know of my plight. My whole class started to mock me, laugh at me, call her name out to me just to insult me, make me feel sad. I isolated myself to my own secluded corner, feeling dazed and angry. Facts about why she had initiated the break up came to my attention. She had lied to me. But I realised that if she had told me straight in my face the real reason, my breaking down that I had suffered would have been nothing compared to the one she would have given me if she did not lie. I misjudged my best friend, the only one who had given me a reason to continue on with my life, for he consoled me, if not made me feel happy. I judged him wrongly, to the point where I nearly did not give any thought to him. Day by day past, and I could not get out of the abyss I had fallen into. Just when everything seemed to be going for the worse, I completely closed my life, to the point where I did not talk to her anymore. I decided to...once again, move on.
The first person I told of my plight was my best friend in school. At that point of time, he did not know anything. So I hung up on him. I decided to call another friend of mine, a girl from my church choir, who has always been there to consult me about any problems I have and to make sure I was never sad. That night, as I cried talking to her on the phone, she did her best to keep me happy, to give me a reason to not to lose my humanity just because I have lost someone close to my heart. This was to be my second lesson of love in my life; never take anything for granted, especially love. And always expect the unexpected.
I had suffered another blow and once again, my heart has been shattered to a million pieces, unable to be repaired by anyone regardless of how much help and love I will be given. This apparently was a figure of speech, as soon I managed to get back to my feet with the help and guidance of the girl from my choir. And before I knew, being the ever-so-looking-for-love guy I always am, I grew an affection for her. As expected, I was turned down. She had told me that she liked someone else, and that she and I have been more like siblings. I was and always have been stubborn, and I pursued. People have told me; as long as that special person in your life does not have a wedding or engagement ring around her finger, you have all the chance. I agreed with that
sentence. The pursue for love continued for a few months, taking a burden on me
every time I try to come face to face with her. Soon, the feeling died off. I did not want to interfere with her love life anymore, seeing that she came with her boyfriend one day for mass.
My heart ached, and I thought: Why do I want to find that special someone in my life? The answer came to me in the form of a dream. I had dream of a girl standing next to me, holding my hand, leaning her head on my shoulder. And as she comes to stand in front of me, she puts her arms out, embracing me, giving me a warm hug. And as if another dream in the dream, she would bring her lips to mine. It was nothing much of the kiss or the hug. The answer in the dream was the warmth of heart that the other person gave, the affection and the feeling of loving someone and being loved.
I cried and wondered, why does life have to be so unfair? Why do people have to suffer? Why do people have to suffer just to love and be loved back? Why can't people give a thought to the feelings of someone who they have ignored, hated, rejected? I do not want to be selfish in anything that I am typing now.
But I already have told you most of my story, and I have not decided if I should continue, for I do not want the past to repeat itself, the thing that has been happening since the start of this year, since the conclusion of my previous rejection, my previous breakdown.
I will give thought to the people I may or have hurt from what I have said. If I have, I am very sorry.
This is all for this post. Thank you for reading.
Friday, April 6, 2007, 11:19 PM
This is a post to the general public. It does not have to refer to anyone. It is just my own intention to say it out.
I hate it when people discriminate others, just because they think they are so much better. What in the world makes you think you are better than anyone? What makes you think you have the right to discriminate others? Look at yourself and tell me. Nothing right? I know. Because I was in the same situation as you, as the person you see on the road, as the people who once used to walk around with us on this earth.
Why bother to tell other people off? Because you THINK you are better? Or because you just want to make that person feel bad? Make him feel unwanted? Make him feel useless and hopeless? I have been put in that situation many times. I have felt left out, useless, ashamed of whatever people mocked me about. I sit in my chair everyday, wishing how life would be better if it were not for the people who discriminate.
Though I admit I used to like to discriminate other people, I will do it to a certain point. Some people are just too much. They laugh. They mock. They have no regrets. And yet they continue, thinking once again that they are better than everyone else. People give each other the stare, as if they are outrightly more powerful.
I have been ignored, pushed to one corner, made fun of, left out in the dark. I would like to join in the laughter. But everyone has a limited amount of pride, a limited amount of humour that they can handle. Sometimes jokes are funny, even though the jokes mock you. But when it continues on for awhile, anyone including me, would definately get frustrated and humiliated. I admit I am sensitive to a lot of jokes. It is not because I do not like being made fun of, sometimes it justs gets too much for me. At points of time like that, I would just walk away, pretending I am handling the joke, pretending that everything is fine. I hate to pretend, to lie about my feelings, to fake that I am fine.
But NO. I have to pretend for the sake of everyones jokes, everyones entertainment. I have promised to change from the selfish and foolish person I have been. But will you? Will you at least care more about other people's feelings? About my feelings?
I have changed my attitude towards people, towards ideaologies, towards interests. I have doubted people, but I have changed. I do not want to lie, I'm telling the truth. If you think I have not just because you want to say I have not, then let it be. Only He will know who is telling the truth. Only He will put the one at fault to the test.
I do not want to say anymore. I have suffered enough humiliation. You continue the story for me.
Thursday, April 5, 2007, 11:59 PM
As we gather together in prayer and reflection, let us spend some quiet time with Christ and recall His Passion and His love for us.
I still see Christ in my mind… all alone in the Garden of Gethsamane that night… My Saviour was on bended knees, with blood like sweat upon his brows, the shroud of death surrounding Him… My Lord, He prayed for strength to fulfil His Father’s plan. Christ could have walked away from it all…yet He chose to stay, to suffer the pain… the agony… the humiliation… But why did He have to suffer this way?
I remember His glorious entry into Jerusalem. He looked like a King… my King. He did not wave nor smile at the crowd. He had His head bowed low as if He was bearing all the worries, the lies and the pain of the world. I could see how all our sins and shame were weighing Him down. I see Him struggling under the load, I see the pain He endured… Perhaps He heard how we were cheering Him on. Cheering for His death… His Crucifixion…
Yes, my Jesus chose to walk that road out of His love for you and me. It was a painful sight to see. Him bearing all the misery and the suffering… Alone. I could only watch as He stumbled and fell, thirst and bled… for us. He was beaten, tortured, spat upon and humiliated by the soldiers and many in the crowd.
Was there no other way to show His love for me? Is my life worth so much that He had to endure all the suffering, the accusations, insults and torment? … I do NOT deserve it. I really don’t.
I remember how Jesus persevered, picking himself up each time He fell, stumbling beneath the weight of the cross... the WEIGHT of our SINS. Yet He continued…
I remember how Jesus was laid on the cross… the nails… the torment… the REJECTION. Yet He continued…
He paid the ultimate price by dying on the cross. The price of my sins and for all the good I failed to do…
I feel the pain He endured… I hear His scream each time the rusty nail pierced straight through His flesh. They stabbed him in the side…
He suffered in silence… no words of hatred came from His lips… He did not want vengeance. He did not want justice… all He wanted was for God to show us love and compassion.
Christ died to show the world the measure of His great love... Christ died for me… and yet…. I continue to sin and to turn my back to His teachings and His calling.
Am I forgiven for all my wrongdoings? If I really am forgiven…why then do I still fear acknowledging Jesus in those around me? Why am I so afraid to be the reflection of whom I truly am inside?
Am I worthy of your great love, Jesus? Am I worthy of your deliverance?
God continues to reach out to each one of us and implores us to repent. His outstretched arms are still waiting for us… God loves us even though we continue to crucify His Son, Jesus Christ.
We scourge Him with our sins. We nail Him with our hatred. We mock Him with our ignorance. Each time we do not do what God wills… we crucify Christ all over again.
We crucify Him each time we chase after material happiness, disregarding our Christian virtues.
We crucify Him each time we ignore the less fortunate.
Each time we neglect our family and loved ones… we crucify Him.
We nail Him each time we fail to help others in need.
We nail him each time we fail to fight for the oppressed.
When we fail to love others, we drive another nail into His hands.
Christ died for us… but was it all in vain? He gave each of us a mission to fulfil… but have we ignored His calling and His teachings? Have we forgotten our mission as Christians?
What happens after we leave this church and continue with our lives in the world we live in? Do we remember Christ then?
Are we worthy of His Deliverance??
This was taken from the script of the lenten vigil session from 10pm to 11pm today. Whoever that has read this post please ponder over it. Thanks.
