Wednesday, February 21, 2007, 11:31 PM
Many days have passed. The golden rays of the sun cut through the thick grey clouds like razors, as a new chapter of life unfolds. The terror I've been surviving, has, hopefully ended. I have left the past behind me, brushing away the footsteps I have made and making new ones since Friday. I feel renewed.
I've finally realised life's harsh realities, life's unfair game. The days that have passed seemed like something new. She treated me more and more like a best friend, and I knew things have been patched up, now all i need is time to rebuild the close friendship we used to have.
I told her last night that I would meet her after her shift ends at the airport. But due to unforseen consequences(oversleeping), I ended up going late. However, what happened today proved to me what a good friend she is, and has always been ever since I got to know her.
Moving along the sidewalks of time, I recalled the times, the times we used to share, the times we used to enjoy laughing at each other, making jokes. I missed those times. When I looked back at what happened today, it seems that all this is starting to re-surface. I looked at her. She had a big smile on her face. I smiled back, showing my consent that I'm back to my normal self. Alas, the terror has ended, hopefully.
This is as much as I can put for this post. For the other things that happened, a simple phrase describes it; actions speak louder than words.
The individual who knows the score about life sees difficulties as opportunities. -Norman Vincent Peale
Friday, February 16, 2007, 11:59 PM
I woke up today, feeling drowsy and aching all over. I had cried myself to sleep the previous night, feeling useless and being hopeless. As I headed to my bathroom to brush my teeth and wash up, I looked at the reflection in the mirror in front of me. Was that really me? Have I turned completely into a monster? A ghost of the past? I looked terrible, and I had to do something about it.
I got myself changed, as in about an hours' time I had to rush down to meet up with my friends(including her) for a school friend's gig at Queen of Peace church. While in the bus, a sudden feeling came over me.
I dropped off at the bus stop at marine terrace area, and I made my way over to East Coast Park. I sat down on the beach, looking out into the horizon, thinking about all the things I have been encountering the past few weeks and days. I closed my eyes, letting myself relax, pushing away from reality as I laid down on the sand. When I opened my eyes, the azure sky greeted me. I felt relieved and I knew that I have grabbed hold of all my troubles, and threw them into the sea. I felt happy.
I recieved many phone calls from my friend, many of which I ignored. When I finally picked up my phone, I told him that I was on my way to meet up with them. In fact I lied to him, telling him I overshot the bus stop because I fell asleep on the bus. I just didn't want to tell him or anyone else what I have been doing.
Upon reaching the church, I looked out for a familiar group, but couldn't locate them. My friend came from behind me and brought me to the group, while consoling me, asking me if I felt better from the previous day's ordeal. That's when I noticed her. I thought she would have been her normal self. But at that point of time, it seemed to me that she had become someone different, occasionally hiding behind someone to cut off eye-contact with me. I knew something was wrong.
The previous day, I had told her on MSN to not blame herself, or anyone else for what I have become, because the only reason why I've become the person who I was, was because I chose it to be.
I kept a small distance from the group, the only person talking to me my best friend, who has been consoling me. After a short while, we decided to leave as we found the gig rather straining to our ears. Our group walked a long distance to a bus stop where we could flag an appropiate bus to get to Siglap. Whilst taking the long walk, my best friend and I talked about the situation I was in, trying as much as possible to make me feel better. I was indeed moved at the way he pursuaded me to accept my fate, and revert to what I have been before all this started, the good ol' Darryl.
After everyone had a good fill of drinks and desserts at Secret Recipe, it was time for most of us to go back home, including me as I was still very tired. As we made our leave from the restaurant, she came over to me and asked me if I was alright and why I have been so moody just now. I replied saying I wasn't really moody, more of feeling tired. She then pulled both my cheeks, saying "Cheer up!!". I was amused then, guessing, thinking that most probably she's back to her normal self, or maybe the way she usually acts towards me.
I sighed in relief. After realising what good friends I had, I thought to myself that I shouldn't have done what I did to my friends previously, making them worried about me. I presume its all about having faith in each other, most importantly myself. Today was the first time in a very long time, that I finally felt I had some faith in myself.
Upon reaching home, I opened a conversation room with her on MSN. We just started talking away, and I knew I have rebuilt our friendship. I cleared up a lot of unsure things I had on my shoulders, and now I feel happy that I managed to clear up my troubles, my worries, my friends' worries.
The terror I have been surviving has ended, but the aftermath of the terror has only just begun. Surviving it will be another problem that I have to face by myself and its only me that can prevent myself from breaking down again, from losing my friends, from losing my humanity. I love you all, you have been my best friends and I don't ever wish to lose you all just because I have my own interests at heart.
Loving someone shows that you care for that someone, but caring for someone shows that you love that someone. -Darryl
Thursday, February 15, 2007, 7:45 PM
I've ran my final race against time, my past has caught up with me. Memories of the times I had flashed across my face, bewildering me, leaving me breathless and heartbroken at the same time. I try to forget, but it seems futile. I can't forget because SHE has played a major part of my life as an individual.
I reached the MRT today in the morning, feeling drowsy and tired, due to the sleepless nights I have been having, doing some soul-searching, recollecting my thoughts. Momentarily as I boarded the train for work, I caught a glimpse of a familiar shadow. My friend? I presumed. I walked over to get a better look. She...I mean He was no one I knew. I have been hallucinating and I kept seeing things I thought and should be there. I knew the problem.
Friends tell me to forget about it, the others tell me to go for it; both having concerns for me due to my fragile heart and soul.
Forget about it so if anything should happen, you won't be left down in the dumps like you have been before.
Go for it, this may be the only chance you'll ever have and have faith in yourself.
I'm in a confused state, beckoning my ego to help me realise my fate. Is this it? Do I really have to give up all hope or do I take the appropiate action?
Getting out the door into the corridor of my workplace, I did some soul-searching, looking out of the window, wondering what is my purpose, wondering if there could be something I could have done to make it all turn for the good. I closed my eyes, as I listened to my friend's voice from my phone, consulting me about my situation, consoling me, giving me hope. I turned away. A tear rolled down my cheek, inevitably emotion taking control over me.
I pushed myself away from reality, opened the emergency staircase door, and entered. I looked down the flight of stairs, apparently thinking of doing the inevitable. But then I realised its not worth it, I'm not worth it. I let out another tear, eventually breaking down, collapsing into a heap. Faith.
I screamed, letting out my anguish, my pain, my sorrow as I gave a punch to the wall. I became senseless, too selfish about my feelings, about her feelings. I just wanted all of this to end, be it happily or sadly, just end the terror I'm facing.
If you don't learn to have faith in yourself, then you will never have faith in anyone else. -Darryl
<Darryl got out of his seat and laid on his bed, soaking his pillow with tears of sorrow.>
