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Tuesday, March 20, 2007, 1:42 PM

This is a post to my clique, to everyone I've caused anger or hate or what so ever. I'm sorry beyond words, for I did not realise what I have become until someone told me about it, harshly so as to get it into my fu*king head.

I've finally realised what a selfish and foolish person I have become. I hate myself. Okay? You get it? I fu*king hate myself for everything that I have caused. Everything that I have become. I didn't realise whos fault it was actually until I saw it from another person's point of view. And I must admit; I do not like every part of me.

If I could, I would have taken a pistol and placed a bullet through my head. But I don't want that. My friends don't want that. Even though I'm a useless, selfish and proud, I know I'm not worth it. Since the start of this post, I have been tearing, angry at myself, angry with the stupid game that nearly cost me my friends. I wish all this would not have happened. I wish I could be the person you all think I am capable of, the person you all want me to be, the person who I am not currently. I have caused too much burden in everyone's life.

I have gotten angry over minor things, agitated over friends who I have accused of wrongly. I want to throw every grudge I had against any one of you. I'm so sorry for all I have become. I don't want to lose you all. You all have been always there for me, accepting me for who I am, for who I've become. I did not realise it. I did not take into consideration your acceptance.

I only have one favour to ask of you for now. The favour would be to leave me alone as I lay on my bed, crying my heart out, crying my corrupted, selfish and foolish heart out. I want to change. But I need time. And I need your guidance, your support and your forgiveness. I need you to stand by me as I change, and grow up from the useless self I have been. I need you to stand by me for if I should fall, I know you will be there to carry me back up to my own feet. And most importantly, I need your motivation, your love, to keep me standing by myself, to prevent me from losing my humanity.

I hate myself for making you tell me whatever you have told me. But I think that was the only way that I can change, the only way I can see what a true friend you are.

I have a lot more I have yet to say, but I shall leave the post as it is for now. I don't want to start breaking down all over again.

Don't ever leave me behind and alone. For if I should falter, I won't know where to continue. -Darryl