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Thursday, April 26, 2007, 10:56 PM

I'm sorry guys and gals for making you all worried about me, about what I am going through in my current situation right now. I know I want to let go, to forget about everything I have kept inside me. But you know, everyone knows how hard it is to let go, how difficult it is to forget about everything that matters to oneself, especially if its close to one's heart.

How do I feel right now? I feel as if a knife has pierced through my heart. I feel as if a bullet has just been fired through my head. I can honestly tell you all, that I have nothing left, only my friends and family to keep me up on my feet. Nothing else will support me. And if I should be alone without the company of my friends, I won't know how to remain standing. I have become too reliant on other people, to take sympathy on me, to make me feel happy. I have tried means and ways to keep myself happy, to prevent myself from losing my humanity.

I have always looked forward to going to Temasek Polytechnic together with my closest friends. Like this, I know we will never lose contact. But most of the times, I feel left out, when theres small little gatherings in between tutorials or lectures that I never knew of, but only by means of accidentally finding out. I try to keep my smile, my composure at its best. But sometimes the pressure over-exceeds the limit and my happiness level just drops to a complete zero, maybe even to a negative value.

Who can honestly tell me its easy to let go of someone special in your life? No one can right? That is something I have got to endure, endure and hope for a speedy process. I have absolutely lost faith in myself, my friends, everyone. My closest friends have helped me, but I have never helped myself. And thats the only reason why I am being "left out", apparently so that I'll learn, so that I'll realise how impatient, how selfish I have been. I have changed before, but is this the new me? Emotional, desperate, moody, impatient, uncaring.

I could say its just my pursuit of love, but people think that I have to move on. Eventually I have to, people say. Eventually is such a harsh word to me, because its so hard to move on, so hard to let go, so hard to say "I love you" then turn away from it.

As the song, If You Didn't Love Me by Corrinne May depicts, if you didn't love me, nothing in this world would matter. All I want to do now is cry my heart out in your arms, so that I will not think about it anymore, and that we will revert back to what we have and always will be; Great Friends, if not Best Friends.