i've seen worlds that don't belong

Saturday, April 14, 2007, 3:37 AM

I have been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and weeks. Even as much as I do not want to , I would like to share with you all, my love life about how it began and how I have coped with the consequences and difficulties going through them. (Note: I do not want to point out names because I do not want those people to come after me when I reveal if, anything I have in mind about them.)

This is how it all began:
I have always been the type of person who when young, took every opportunity to avoid girls, as would most other guys do. I admit I was indeed timid every time I approached them.

However, the first time I actually started liking a girl was when a particular person I came to know of from my church choir. She was a sweet girl who I admired a lot. She always had a smile on her face and somehow or another, I felt comfortable approaching her. Every week, I would get anxious when Saturday approaches as I would be able to meet her during choir for our normal Saturday sunset mass. We spent a lot of time, talking, cracking jokes, playing pool etc. I enjoyed every moment I spent with her. Before I knew it, I had grown a feeling of infatuation towards her. I kept thinking about her, wishing how my life would be so perfect with her. I was too selfish then. I persisted on trying to be with her, even though I had a failed attempt. However, the second time did the finishing blow. I could not bear the suffering and emotional breakdown I was facing then. It was not fatal to the least, since it was an infatuation. I decided to, move on.

My love life soon grew very quiet. I had changed my mindset towards girls. I realised how emotionally fragile but yet, strong they are. In my point of view, the girls always seem to have the upper hand over the guys. Most decisions in a relationship goes towards the female counterpart. I know what that felt like.

During the months between 12 February 2005 and early November 2005, another girl came into my life. This time, I decided to take it slow, give time for my feelings to settle, give time for my heart to heal from the recent ordeal. I came to know of this girl through the tuition class I was having. I must admit; I had grew an affection for her ever since she introduced herself to me during class. She was funny and I would enjoy spending time with her during tuition class. During the months, we spent most of our time talking on the phone, asking each other things, exchanging secrets. I enjoyed every moment of it. In the week of 20th November 2005, she told me she loved me, or in other words liked me. I was surprised as I had the same feelings toward her. The candle of love in my life had rekindled. I felt happy beyond words. I went around telling my family, my friends of what had happened. I must say I was so happy and naive that I did not think of the consequences if anything should go wrong.

3 months past. School restarted as per normal. But we hanged out with each other a lot as usual. Momentarily, I felt our relationship was growing better. But something happened that send me heading into the dark abyss below my feet. She had told me that examinations would come our way eventually, and thus, affecting our time together. She initiated the break up and I was left on my knees, pleading for a miracle, pleading for a reason, pleading for hope, to stand up by myself. I became useless, faithless. I did not pray to God. I had lost faith in myself, everyone around me and strikingly, God. I cried myself to sleep every night, wishing how and why this had happened. Have I been a good boyfriend to her? I had tried my best to be everything for her, everything that she wanted. I had most probably failed, and I did not want to dangle around about it. Days past, and friends soon got to know of my plight. My whole class started to mock me, laugh at me, call her name out to me just to insult me, make me feel sad. I isolated myself to my own secluded corner, feeling dazed and angry. Facts about why she had initiated the break up came to my attention. She had lied to me. But I realised that if she had told me straight in my face the real reason, my breaking down that I had suffered would have been nothing compared to the one she would have given me if she did not lie. I misjudged my best friend, the only one who had given me a reason to continue on with my life, for he consoled me, if not made me feel happy. I judged him wrongly, to the point where I nearly did not give any thought to him. Day by day past, and I could not get out of the abyss I had fallen into. Just when everything seemed to be going for the worse, I completely closed my life, to the point where I did not talk to her anymore. I decided to...once again, move on.

The first person I told of my plight was my best friend in school. At that point of time, he did not know anything. So I hung up on him. I decided to call another friend of mine, a girl from my church choir, who has always been there to consult me about any problems I have and to make sure I was never sad. That night, as I cried talking to her on the phone, she did her best to keep me happy, to give me a reason to not to lose my humanity just because I have lost someone close to my heart. This was to be my second lesson of love in my life; never take anything for granted, especially love. And always expect the unexpected.

I had suffered another blow and once again, my heart has been shattered to a million pieces, unable to be repaired by anyone regardless of how much help and love I will be given. This apparently was a figure of speech, as soon I managed to get back to my feet with the help and guidance of the girl from my choir. And before I knew, being the ever-so-looking-for-love guy I always am, I grew an affection for her. As expected, I was turned down. She had told me that she liked someone else, and that she and I have been more like siblings. I was and always have been stubborn, and I pursued. People have told me; as long as that special person in your life does not have a wedding or engagement ring around her finger, you have all the chance. I agreed with that sentence. The pursue for love continued for a few months, taking a burden on me every time I try to come face to face with her. Soon, the feeling died off. I did not want to interfere with her love life anymore, seeing that she came with her boyfriend one day for mass.

My heart ached, and I thought: Why do I want to find that special someone in my life? The answer came to me in the form of a dream. I had dream of a girl standing next to me, holding my hand, leaning her head on my shoulder. And as she comes to stand in front of me, she puts her arms out, embracing me, giving me a warm hug. And as if another dream in the dream, she would bring her lips to mine. It was nothing much of the kiss or the hug. The answer in the dream was the warmth of heart that the other person gave, the affection and the feeling of loving someone and being loved.

I cried and wondered, why does life have to be so unfair? Why do people have to suffer? Why do people have to suffer just to love and be loved back? Why can't people give a thought to the feelings of someone who they have ignored, hated, rejected? I do not want to be selfish in anything that I am typing now.

But I already have told you most of my story, and I have not decided if I should continue, for I do not want the past to repeat itself, the thing that has been happening since the start of this year, since the conclusion of my previous rejection, my previous breakdown.

I will give thought to the people I may or have hurt from what I have said. If I have, I am very sorry.

This is all for this post. Thank you for reading.