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Wednesday, April 25, 2007, 6:58 PM

Why the fuck did I go and do it? Why did I have to go and kill myself, kill my life, kill everything I cherished; friends, family. Why did I take out my handphone and call her? I had given up everything and anything for her, to the point where I wanted to give, or in other words buy for her a PSP she so dearly wanted. My friend beat me to it, and I was left in sorrow, torn apart by the fact that I won't be able to make her happy, and make myself happy because I have done what I wanted to do ever since she complained about me getting a PSP.

She picks up the phone, and we start talking. I had accompanied her to Bedok Interchange where I thought I would have taken a bus home. But as I left the scene I had made, my eyes started to swell with tears. I wanted to accompany her to her block's void deck. She asked me why was I doing this for? I did not answer that question, only to find myself giving her a sad and discontented face. I turned and walked away. I should not have done that. I should have taken the bus home from the interchange. But NO! I wanted to walk her home, purpose to make sure she got back safely and to...

"...just want to spend a little time with you." I had replied to her question on the phone. And that's when everything I had put on my shoulders, everything I am just fell to the ground.

"We have to take a time out. Its for your good if not everyone around will be affected." She had told me. Though this would be a time out, it wouldn't mean I would not be able to be her friend. I cried, because I didn't want that feeling of being loved and loving someone to disappear, someone who I have always cherished from the start, someone who in my life had made the biggest impact out of all the girls I have ever grown an affection to.

Everytime she and I and the rest of our friends meet up, I feel as if I am a nobody to her. At least she comes over to me and talks to me, making sure I am happy. I cherish those moments she talks to me. But I realised that she is always happy with her friends, cracking jokes, laughing, smiling. When it comes to me alone with her, you could say its occasional that we crack jokes and laugh and smile. And thats one thing I hate about myself.

I am so sorry I broke my promise about it and have told everyone about it here in this blog post. You are the only one who has given me hope besides my family members. I have come to know that you by far are the only one I am able to communicate comfortably and to the point where I share problems about us to you. And it never seems you fail to solve them, and keep me happy. I'm not going to dwell over this. I just do not want to let go.